Old and New Jokes

Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast. We
dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we
moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and havent seen them since.

The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I havent found out what it
is yet so I dont know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldnt get the
tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already
sealed.

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what theyre are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies Theyre making cakes.

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer Theyre making cakes.

The next morning the little girl says to her mother Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.

The Mother replies How do you know?

The girl says I licked the icing off the sofa!

A printer is made up of three parts

1. the tray

2.the other tray

3. the blinking light

Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm – the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

Two blondes were waiting for their buses. One of them was waiting for the bus number one and the other one for the bus number seven. In the meantime, the bus number seventeen came. One of them exclaimed: Oh, great! Now we can go together!

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.



Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry, the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.



They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.



They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.



The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.



The guy was amazed. You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?



No, she replied…. You just happened to catch my eye!

How do you make Mexican chile?

Stick a popsicle up his ass.

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines cards for his daughter and mother.

The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives?"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an ex category, but theyre in Sporting Goods."

; "Really?"

; "Yes sir. Theyrecalled darts."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation –

I now pronounce you man and wife.

One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I cant even figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks, What is it a puzzle of?

The blonde says, From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

Well, the friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.

He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.

He turns to her and says, Well, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

She asks, Oh, how come?

He says, Look, never mind, lets just relax, have a cup of coffee and well put all these cornflakes back in the box.