Old and New Jokes

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. Theyre totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. Theyre moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

A savings bond matures slowly, and makes money.

Q: What is the new Cuban national anthem?

A: “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Whats the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.

The buddy gets exasperated and says… You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

I cant stand this, said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging?

Well, we work for the government, one of the men said.

But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the taxpayers money?

You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us – me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean that Mike and me cant work.

Passionate kiss like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

My army unit was so tough…

How tough was it?



It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig.



Whats so tough about that?



He used to keep it on with a nail.

Before – You take my breath away.
After – I feel like Im suffocating.

Before – She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before – Ricky & Lucy.
After – Fred & Ethel.

Before – Saturday Night Live.
After – Monday Night Football.

Before – He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After – If I had a dime for every stupid thing hes done…

Before – Is that all you are eating?
After – Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before – Wheel of Fortune.
After – Jeopardy.

Before – Its like living a dream.
After – Its a nightmare.

Before – Turbocharged.
After – Needs a jump-start

Before – We agree on everything!
After – Doesnt she have a mind of her own?

Before – Idol.
After – Idle.

Before – Hes lost without me.
After – Why cant he ask for directions?

Before – When together, time stands still.
After – This relationship is going nowhere.

Before – Oysters.
After – Fishsticks.

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other.
After – How did I end up with someone like you?

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.