One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was writing in my notebook the lament
Warm beer and cold women, thats the story of my life.
A rather good looking chick sitting next to me noticed what I had written, and
replied, Thats really sad. Ill help you out. Come with me after class.
Naturally I did, and we went to her room.
It was one of the coldest bottles of Rolling Rock I ever had.
In a group therapy session, a discussion arose concerning the impact each person in the group was having on the world around him. The groupleader asked each member in turn what they would like the people at their funeral to say about them. The answers were the typical assortment of vague fluffy ideal-person statements, until finally the therapist came to the last person.What do you want the people at your funeral to say, Charles? she asked the man, who had obviously been thinking hard.I want them to say, Look! Hes alive!
You are all probably familiar with the lunacy that happens in New York City every spring when the gay group wants to march in the St. Patricks Day Parade, and the Ancient Order of Hibernians (or the Ancient Order of Hibernators, as we call them) wont let them in.
Having had some experience with elderly Irish relatives, my take on the situation is that it isnt that the group is gay that bugs them. Half of them dont even know what gay people are.
Its the fact that they can see that word homosexual has the word sex in it that bugs them.
why are blondes so dumb?
they are not every one else is really dumb
Two guys were out golfing and one said he was going to Doctor Brown and have a set of dentures made.
His golfing buddy commented that he did that same thing two years ago.
How do you like your new teeth… did Doctor Brown do a good job for you? asked his friend.
Well, I was out golfing the other day and a golfer hooked his drive off the tee on the adjacent hole. That ball must have been going six-hundred miles an hour when it hit me in the testicles… thats the first time in two years that my teeth didnt hurt me!
Lyles Joke Boutique.
Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge? For people who dont drink.
Jerry298@austin.relay.ucm.org swears this really happened to him…
OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking
of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to
get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Dont ask, I never did).
What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that they issue
to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldnt wait to test it, so I called
Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back seat out of my VW bug,
and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back
without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed
up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the
raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and Jason
in the passenger seat up front, and took off.
I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma
City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot
August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend
started complaining about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting
tangled in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and
gave it a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window.
Can you guess
what that little red tag was for? Yep, that damned raft started to inflate
right there in the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to
inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a
mixture fear, amazement, and a sense of this really cant be happening!
In the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering
wheel hard enough that I couldnt really see where I was going, and started
pushing the windows that werent down out of their frames, and onto the road.
By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully inflated.
I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was going, and hopefully
avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real chaos had
started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was laughing
like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me
when all this started had turned on his siren.
I finally got the car to the
center median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door
and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft exploded out of the car pushing
me ahead of it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop
laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time
breathing.
I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft
started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and somewhat
coherent. He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to
make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we could and went back
to my place. The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that
all that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside the
car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had talked to the
OHP cop. I can look back on this now and laugh. But for about 5 years after
that happened, anytime someone (Jason usually) mentioned it, all I could do
was turn red in the face.
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene
What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bobs warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
He wanted something for his cough but I couldnt find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once John explained.
Ex-Lax wont cure a cough! Bob shouted angrily.
Sure it will John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
Just look at him. Hes afraid to cough!