Old and New Jokes

Yo mama is so fat that she uses the VCR as a beeper.

MONA LISAS JEWISH MOTHER:


After all that money your father and I spent on braces, thats the


biggest smile you can give us?

COLUMBUS JEWISH MOTHER:


I dont care what youve discovered, you still could have written!

MICHELANGELOS JEWISH MOTHER:


Cant you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how


hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEONS JEWISH MOTHER:


All right, if you arent hiding your report card inside your jacket,


take


your hand out of there and show me.

ABRAHAM LINCOLNS JEWISH MOTHER:


Again with the hat? Cant you just wear a baseball cap like the other


kids?

GEORGE WASHINGTONS JEWISH MOTHER:


The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can


kiss


your allowance good-bye!

THOMAS EDISONS JEWISH MOTHER:


Of course Im proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now


turn


it off and get to bed!

PAUL REVERES JEWISH MOTHER:


I dont care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is


past


your curfew.

And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

ALBERT EINSTEINS JEWISH MOTHER:


But its your senior picture. Couldnt you do something about your


hair?

MOSES JEWISH MOTHER:


Thats a nice story. Now tell me where youve really been for the last


forty years.

Youve seen those
ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well,
theres no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow)
a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following
exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favourite toy between
thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged
– dogs who favour shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You
could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog – off the couch, off
the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages,
this exercise is reversed – onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car
and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy
from unsuitable tight places. If theyre too small for him, theyre certainly
too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling
when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through
the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with
multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it
stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For
older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get
off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw
the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy.
Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives
up (we all know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs
locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be
quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your
body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you
tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and
small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog – pick any reason,
there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue
headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program.
A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when
you least expect it.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: Why dont you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had
gone.

The evening was a disaster, he moaned.

Why, didnt she come over? asked his mother.

Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook …

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yelp!
Yelp who?
Yelp me, my nose is stuck in the keyhole!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chloe!
Chloe who?
Chloes Encounters of the Third Kind!

yo momma sooooo ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for indescent exposure!

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

 Work

 ---- = Power

 Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

 Work

 ----- = Knowledge

 Money

Solving for Money, we get:

           Work

 Money = ---------

         Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the
Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more Money you Make.