Old and New Jokes

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you  noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and hes sitting in the doctors office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, Ive done a lot of these, but Ive never seen a limo and tuxedo before. Whats the story?

To which the fellow responds, If Im gonna BE im-potent, Im gonna LOOK im-potent!

Las tres formas de hacer el amor dentro de casa:

1) Por toda la casa – Típico de recién casados, hacen el sexo en la cocina, en el baño, en la sala, etc.

2) En la recámara – Típico de matrimonios que han estado juntos algún tiempo, hacen el sexo solamente en la recámara.

3) En los pasillos – Típico de matrimonios que han convivido por mucho tiempo. Normalmente se encuentran en los pasillos y se dicen uno al otro: ¡Jódete!

Halls Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

For years n years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Dont ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said, As she got my tit in line, And tell me when it hurts, she said, Ah, yes! There! Thats just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!

Take a deep breath she said to me Who does she think shes kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I cant breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. Now lets get the other one. Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, Ill bet shes never had this done To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. Id like to get his balls in there, For months, hed go without!!

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant – especially in her language – was planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldnt bring herself to write the word TOILET in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldnt imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the baseme

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. What the heck is wolf style? you ask. Thats when you sit by the hole and howl!

You might be a redneck if the roof of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.