A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "whats the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "Whats the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
You participate in the who can spit tobacco the farthest contest.
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
Youve never paid for a haircut.
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 arent really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didnt work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good . . . mostly As and a couple of Bs. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.
Sallys dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
Where do you live? asked the operator. Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said… How bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?
This is a true story from the WordPerfecthelpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currentlysuing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect CustomerSupport employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "Whats a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isnt any cursor, I told you, it wont accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "Whats a monitor?" "Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?" "I dont know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall." "…….Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "…….Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I cant reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark." "Dark?" "Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I cant." "No? Why not?" "Because theres a power outage." "A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, Im afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer."
This is an original composition in response to a debate on affirmative
action in can.politics.
Jan 20, 1989 Edmonton.
In a morning press conference, Minister of Justice Ed Dirk announced
that his ministry will be adopting an affirmative action program.
Men have traditionally constituted the vast majority of inmates in
Canadian prisons, he explained, and we can not find any conclusive
genetic or hormonal basis for this. In attempt to correct the imbalance,
the corrections department will be implementing the following programs:
o Early release of some male prisoners.
o A compulsory course for all judges detailing a sentencing policy
that will yield a more gender-balanced prison population.
o An equality based arrest policy that basically consists of
arbitrarily arresting women.
It is this third provision which has raised the most controversy.
Tracey Smith, spokesperson for the Constructive Sexism Action Committee
said:
Sexism, like all things, should be done in moderation. We can
accept that, given equal crimes, a woman should be given a stiffer
sentence than a man. Arresting women without cause, however, is taking
things too far.
The Council of Men was more supportive of the proposal. If equal and
fair treatment doesnt give balanced representation of all groups, then
clearly other actions must be taken, said spokesman John Loman, We applaud
the minister for having the backbone to tackle this longstanding injustice.
What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted! or You can shoot outlaws!
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the birds attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Davids extended arm and said, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.
David was astonished at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?
Estaban los temibles de la clase: Pablito,pepito y juanito y la tarea en clase era decir la mayor cantidad de palabras comenzadas por la letra P.
Dice la profesora: !A ver Pablito dime tus palabras con P.
Responde pablito: Profesora, papá pone pantuflas para pasear por Paris.
Dice la profesora: Muy bien Pablito.
Toca el turno a Juanito: Ah profe: Pedro Perez Prieto pobre pintor portugués pinta paisajes por poco precio.
Dice la profesora: Muy bien Juanito, pero ahora Pepito tú que nunca haces las tareas dime tus palabras con P.
Comienza pepito: Profesora Petra Pontón Patillo pide Pepito palabras principiadas por P, par puntos prosigo, profesora Petra Ponton Patiño pide permiso Pepito para pequeño polvito, pero Pepito pelao putamente prevenido pone preservativo plástico punta pipà para prevenir preñez prematura profesora Petra Pontón Patiño.