Old and New Jokes

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, Im sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live. But doctor, Bill replied, I feel great. I havent felt better in years. This just cant be true. Isnt there anything I can do? After a moment the doctor said, Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day. Excitedly, Bill asked, And that will cure me? No, replied the doctor, but it will get you used to the dirt.

Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.

Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out.

Clinton looked down and said Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?

Jessie said Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can.

Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post.

At that time, Hillery said Is that you Jessie?

El borracho llega casi arrastrándose al edificio de apartamentos, pulsa uno de los botones del intercomunicador de la entrada y le contesta una señora:

¿Qué desea?

Señora, ¿Ud. es casada?

Sí.

¿Y su esposo está ahí?

Sí.

Pues excúseme.

Presiona otro botón, y le contesta otra señora:

Señora, ¿Ud. es casada?

Sí.

¿Y su esposo está ahí?

Sí.

Pues excúseme.

Pulsa otro botón, y le responde otra mujer:

¿Qué desea?

Señora, ¿Ud. es casada?

Sí

¿Y su esposo está ahí?

No.

¡PUES BAJE, A VER SI SOY YO!

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didnt think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?

The guy says, Listen, I dont want your money! And I dont want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

En cierta ocasión, se reúnen los ginecólogos de toda Colombia en una convención nacional cuyo objetivo es intercambiar experiencias respecto de las anomalías y problemas que en su vida profesional han encontrado en su sitio de trabajo. En su intervención, el decano de ellos expone:

Estimados colegas, el caso más sorprendente que se me ha presentado es el haberme encontrado con un clítoris como un melón.

Ante esta afirmación, los demás miembros de la convención susurran:

¡Mi madre, el maestro desvaría! ¡Es imposible encontrar un clítoris con semejante hipertrofia, es necesario corregir al maestro, puede ser que la memoria le falle!

Entonces, inician una especie de cruzada para determinar cuál de los presentes lo corregirá. Como es lógico, ninguno quiere emprender tan incómoda tarea. Finalmente, uno de ellos se decide e increpa al maestro diciéndole:

Perdón, doctor, ¿no cree usted que hablar de un clítoris del tamaño de un melón es un poco exagerado?

En aquel momento, el anciano galeno responde:

¿Y a usted quién le ha dicho que hablo del tamaño? Hablo del sabor, del sabor…

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell? Satan replies, Hey things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here. Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him. God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue. Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?

It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in his

OWN pockets.

A rich widower miser NRI went back to India and married a young village girl. The girl did not like his hugging and kissing all the time. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife not to hate his American life style. He bought a piggy bank and told his wife that every time he kisses or hugs her, he will put a rupee coin in the piggy bank and at the end of month she can open the bank and buy a new saree with the money. The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and hugged. At the end of the month he gave her the key and told his wife to open the piggy bank. What he saw did not please him. There were many 5 and 10 rupee bills along with rupee coins in the box. Where did these come from he demanded angirly. I’ve been putting only rupee coins. Not everyone is as kanjoos as you replied the wife.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, youve got millions of pals out there. Type in Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire and the computer will say, Specify type of goat.

– Rich Jeni