Old and New Jokes

A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Old is when:

Your sweetie says, Lets go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Pick one, I cant do both!
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
Getting a little action means I dont need to take any fiber today.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?

A: One.

Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked. No, Holmes replied, Ive never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.

Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?

Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.

The prostitute, he continued, grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.

Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed?

Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.

• You decide to show the boss YOUR version of a golden parachute.
  

• Mike from accounting says, Slow down, pal. This aint no Kennedy
  reunion!
  

• The people in charge of the Diversity Program dont seem to care
  much for your Buckwheat impersonation.
  

• You resurrect that old Pull My Finger routine for the folks from
  the home office.
  

• Your overly enthusiastic karaoke rendition of Michael Jacksons
  Beat It lands you in jail for public lewdness.
  

• You organize an Armpit Orchestra to play Hail to the Chief when
  the CFO arrives.
  

• You offer to teach the boss your procedure for making Butt Xeroxes.
  

• You attempt to qualify for the 3 legged race — solo.
  

• You remember what to kiss, but forget whose.
  

• Evidently a bears not the only one who can shit in the woods.
  

• You keep calling your boss Boo-Boo and bugging him to help you
  look for pic-a-nic baskets.
  

• Last words you utter before passing out? Slide, you fat bastard!
  Slide!
  

• Everytime CFO pauses during big speech you scream, FREEBIRD!!
  

• But everybody pees in the pool!
  (not from the diving board, my friend)
  

Somewhere over Australia…

The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. Im afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump. advises the pilot.

The co-pilots says, WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!

FUCK THE SHEEP! replies the pilot.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME? Steve Inquires.

Un oficinista le comenta a su compañera de trabajo que está muy preocupado porque ha notado que va perdiendo la memoria cada vez más. Entonces, ella le propone:

¿Por qué no hablas con mi marido? Él tenía el mismo problema y gracias a un gran médico lo está superando.

El hombre va enseguida a ver al marido de su compañera.

¿Puedes darme el nombre de ese médico tan bueno?

Sí, como no. Es el doctor… Espera, lo tengo en la punta de la lengua… El doctor… Sí, claro, es el que me ha curado… Se llama… Oye, ¿cómo se llama la virgen negra que es la patrona de Cataluña?

Montserrat.

Y dice, entonces, llamando a su mujer:

Montserrat, ¿cómo se llama el médico que me ha curado la falta de memoria?

Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

1. Combating Stupidity

2. You, too, can do housework

3. PMS — Learn when to keep your mouth shut.

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas — Give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled Dont wash my silks)

8. Parenting — No, it doesnt end with conception

9. Get a life — learn to cook

10. How not to act like an jerk when youre obviously wrong 11.

11. Spelling — Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You — The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake after sex

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage — Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without It if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if Its awake. Take a shower

20. Ill wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly No, its not a bidet)

22. The weekend and sports are not synonyms

23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control — Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism – Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mother-in-laws — They are people, too

29. Male bonding — Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly No, you dont look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!)

32. Changing your underwear — It really works

33. Techniques for calling home

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

Why, my outfit was so well drilled, declared one, that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.

Very good, conceded the other, but when my company presented arms youd just hear slap, slap, jingle.

What was the jingle? asked the first. Oh, replied the other offhand, just our medals.