Old and New Jokes

…about as funny as roman candles on a birthday cake.

When an argument starts … he calls for backup.
Refers to the bedroom as The Pokey.
Calls passing gas the silent alarm.
Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.
Lots of references to the old night stick.
Never hear him say Oh man … not donuts again!
Refers to his winkie as the Breathalyzer
Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going.
Handcuffs dont turn him on anymore.

and the number one sign you are married to a cop …

Yes, that *is* a gun in his pocket!!!

What will Bill Clinton be known for in history? The president after Bush!

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, Can I help you lad?

Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!, the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?

It was at the end of this key.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishmans member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans OOH GOD… they got me girl too!

An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, Thank Heavens Ive made it in time! Have you any chicken? The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.



Ah, havent you anything bigger? the woman inquires.



The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.



Marvelous! says the woman. Ill have both of them please.

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

Una mujer se confiesa:

Padre, estoy en pecado. Me he tirado al párroco de San Miguel.

¡Qué barbaridad! Reza trece avemarías.

También me he tirado al párroco de Santa Ana.

¡Pero, hija! Reza doce padrenuestros y seis avemarías.

Es que también me tirado al párroco de San Julián. ¡Es que no lo puedo resistir, cuando veo una sotana… Zas, me la tiro!

Pues hija, te recuerdo que tu parroquia es ésta.

You are probably acquainted with the Ten Commandments. These ten rules
of conduct are now something like three thousand years old. They were
certainly appropriate for the time when they were given, but this is the
Age of Information, and there is need for something more up-to-date.

Determining exactly what we need will of course require much discussion;
to provide a starting point I include my own list of rules. These may
of course be of no use to you, but I dont claim to be a prophet.

My Personal Philosophy

1. Thou shalt not bore thy neighbours by expounding thy personal
philosophy to them.

2. [deleted]

3. [deleted]

4. [deleted]

5. [deleted]

6. [deleted]

7. [deleted]

8. [deleted]

9. [deleted]

10. [deleted]

In response to Fridays Santa is a woman, I offer the following:

Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal that Santa has to be a man. Delegation … thats the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. Wed have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet … there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) Thats a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Years Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, shed be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boys house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving ones self esteem. Christmas just wouldnt be the same.

Ill tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer … Dasher, Comet, Blitzen … If those arent male names for football players, than Im an elf.

[Thanks to BS Pyle]

And besides:

Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:

Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, well give him Christmas Eve & Day),
And yet think he was a saint?

Plus … No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year after year!!!

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions were IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT Id like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tescos Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (Im sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a childs superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. Thats right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)