Old and New Jokes

The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.
It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

(from The Laugh Page Humor Archives)

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word penis in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word penis again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,erased it and then proceeded with the days lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each days word, larger than the previous days word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!

Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?

A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know youre a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know youre a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If youve been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think fat-free means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know youre a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didnt marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if its easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know youre a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says Concentrate.

You know youre a redneck when some one yells hoe down and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1) Nothing says lovin like lovin’ your cousin!

2) Why go across town when you can go across the hall?

3) If you cant keep it in the pants then keep it in the family.

You know youre a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know youre a redneck when youre front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that arent.

You know youre a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?

Hey yall, watch this!

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

1. Lawyers dont think theyre funny.2. The rest of us dont think theyre jokes!

Dos mujeres jugaban golf en una mañana soleada. De pronto vieron con horror como la pelota se dirigía directamente hacia unos hombres que jugaban en el siguiente hoyo.

La pelota golpeó a uno de los hombres, quien de inmediato juntó ambas manos en su entrepierna, y cayó al suelo rodando y gimiendo lastimosamente.

Las mujeres corrieron hasta donde estaba el hombre. Una de ellas, sintiéndose culpable, dijo: Por favor, déjeme ayudarlo. Soy quiropractica y sé como quitarle el dolor si usted me lo permite.

Ouch, auuuu, noooo. Estaré bien… el dolor se me pasara en unos minutos, contestó el hombre, mientras permanecía en posicion fetal, tirado en el cesped y con las manos en su entrepierna.

Ella insistió hasta que finalmente él le permitio ayudarlo; ella gentilmente le separó las manos y lo acostó a su lado, le desabrochó los pantalones, puso sus manos dentro y comenzó a masajear.

Se siente bien? preguntó la dama.

¡Me siento fantastico! contestó el hombre, pero el dedo me sigue doliendo…

Van Manolo y Venancio en un coche, y le pide Manolo a su colega:

Oye Venancio, asómate a ver si funcionan las direccionales.

Se asoma Venancio y le informa:

Ahora sí, ahora no, ahora sí, ahora no…

Little Johnny is in the first grade and is told by the teacher hes going to be in the class play.

He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.

The teacher says: You have to be in the class play.

He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.

She says: Look, if youre not in the class play, youll break your mothers heart. I know how you feel so Ill give you the easiest part. All you have to say is Hark, theres hope for her soul. Ill snatch a kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.

Reluctantly the kid agrees.

On the big night his moment comes. The stage lights are on him, his mother smiles and Johnny says: Hark, theres soap in her hole. Ill kiss her snatch and beat off in the night. Snakeshit … er … Spereshit … er … Oh, fuck it. I didnt want to be in the play in the first place.

Right after Lisa Marie had Michael Jacksons baby, they went to see her gynecologist. After the babys exam, Michael asked the doctor, Doctor, how long will it be before we can have sex? The doctor replied, Well, Michael, you probably ought to wait until hes at least 10 or 11.

Indian build little fire. White man build big fire. White man get warm carrying wood.

On the subject of fire building: A good Indian always carries a can of gas.

If two fellas never argue it jus means one of ems doin all the thinkin.

Everyday is Saturday to a dog.

Country people dont shine their shoes very often but they dont shine other peoples either.

On killin time: Just circlin like a man with one oar.

I cant understand it, they built a brand new jail in the county seat and then filled it with riff raff!

Milkin a thousand cows is like havin a thousand wives.

In a card game you go by the golden rule, him who has the gold makes the rules.

Never assume nothin, theres two things a cowboy dont know anything about, one of ems a cow and the others a horse!

The British Isles, it is said, are inhabited by four nations.

The Scots, who keep the Sabbath, and everything else they can lay
their hands on.
The Welsh, who pray upon their knees and upon their neighbours.
The Irish, who dont know what they want, but are willing to die for it.

And the English, who, considering themselves a race of self-made men,
thereby relieve the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.