14
Jul

Short Belgian jokes – Bear hunting

A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce and spending money like water.

How did you het so rich? the Belgian asked.

I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur coats are very expensive.

How do you go about shooting bears?

Its very simple. You should go there in winter. When you enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation, it is very easy to shoot it.

Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is entirely wrapped in bandages.

What has happened to you?

Well the Belgian replies: I went to Canada, I entered a cave with my gun, and then suddenly… the train came.

13
Jul

Pukeing drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks whats wrong.

Ive puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.

The other drunk says do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.

Sounds like a great idea says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says look for yourself, theres ten bucks in my shirt pocket.

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you, says the wife.

He did, says the drunk.

But he shit in my pants too.

13
Jul

Estn dos compadres que vienen

Están dos compadres que vienen del rancho a la ciudad para conocerla. Al cabo de un rato le da hambre y uno de los compadres del dice al otro:

Oiga compa, ya tengo mucha hambre. ¿Aquí donde traga la gente?

El otro le contesta:

Pos no se compa. ¿Qué le parece si preguntamos?

Le preguntan a un citadino y éste les indica que busquen un Restaurante. El par de rancheros empiezan a buscar y encuentran un lugar que sobre la puerta indica:

Restaurante La Rima (donde se le atiende con estima)

Los compadres se alegran y rápidamente entran al lugar y se instalan en una mesa y empiezan a llamar a un mesero.

¡Psss! oiga, oiga, oigaaaaaaaa!

Hacían señas a los meseros y ninguno les hacia caso.

Oiga compadre, aquí ni caso nos hacen.

¿Serán sordos tu?

Y en esas están cuando entra un tipo acompañado de una dama y se sientan justo al lado de la mesa de ellos.

El tipo da dos golpes a la mesa y exclama:

Mesero lero lero lero lero.

Y se acerca un mesero y le contesta:

Para servile amable caballero. Y dígame el señor si va a cenar ¿que es lo que desea ordenar?

Para mi que soy medio mamón traigame unos huevos con jamón. y para mi novia Julieta, por favor sírvale una chuleta.

¿Y de tomar el señor desea ordenar?

Para mi que soy un dandy por favor sírvame un brandy. Para mi novia que está medio loca, tráigale una coca.

Enseguida se retira de inmediato el mesero para servir la orden.

Uno de los rancheros que ve y observa toda la escena le dice a su compadre:

!Uyyy compadre! ya se como esta aquí el asunto. Fíjese ahorita nos atienden. Golpea dos veces la mesa y grita:

Mesero, lero lero, lero lero, atiéndame no sea culero.

El mesero enojado se acerca y ve la facha de los compadres y contesta:

Para servirle… méndigo ranchero.

Tráigame una carne al carbón, grandísimo cabrón.

¿Con ensalada, hijo de la chingada?

¡Pero sin vinagre, hijo de tu puta madre!

13
Jul

Allens Distinction: The lion

Allens Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf wont get much sleep. – Woody Allen

13
Jul

yo momma so fat

yomama is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck

13
Jul

Attorneys Vacation

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a b*stard in the family than a lawyer.

13
Jul

K-mart Stands for…

Q: What does K-mart stand for?
A: Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too

12
Jul

When sign makers go on

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?

12
Jul

US Air Force Humor!

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.



(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION



(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire



(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft



(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers

lack normal seepage



(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit



(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed



(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level



(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order



(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground



(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)



(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) Thats what theyre there for



(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search



(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious!



(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

12
Jul

When the going gets tough,

When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.