Old and New Jokes

The second day
of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day youre off
it.

~ Jackie Gleason

(From a Canadian Engineer who hasnt seen the likes of a true Engineering
Humor Publication for some time.)

This actually appeared in The Daily Californian–a very serious campus
newspaper for all of UC Berkeley.

Friday: Big advertisement–Greek Special–Our huge 18-inch penis…etc. etc.
Almost as good coming up as it was going down.

Monday:

RETRACTION– A PAID ADVERTISEMENT –RETRACTION

The Greek Special is a huge 18-inch PIZZA and not a huge 18-inch
penis as it was described in the ad. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize
for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.

Sure confused me.

SYDNEY (Sydney Morning Herald, 02-15)
A lawyer charged a woman client $26 (Australian) for opening and reading a Christmas card she had sent him. He billed her an additional $26 for calling and thanking her for sending him the card.

ISTANBUL (Reuter, 02-11)
Turkish thieves stole 210 pairs of shoes from outside the Vali Kamil Acun mosque, as Muslim worshipers were praying inside.

BOGOTA (Reuters, 02-05)
Six family members were stabbed to death by thieves who stole a clay piggy bank containing about $150 in coins.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home

to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.

Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. Young lady, he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg… Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say, he continued, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Fingers going to shake his peter at you!

Un grupo de legionarios estaba de maniobras en una montaña cuando, súbitamente, comienza a llover de una forma increíble. Uno de los mercenarios, entre el acojone y la lluvia se pierde. Andando y andando se encuentra una casa y va hacia ella. Toca a la puerta y sale una mujer:

Hola, buenas, ¿qué se le ofrece?

Pues mire, que soy un legionario y busco una cama para dormir porque, ya ve, estoy pillando una pulmonía…

¡PEPEEEE, le dejamos pasar!

Hombre, sólo hay una cama, pero una mala noche la tiene cualquiera… Venga, que pase.

Pues nada, que pasa el soldado y cuando llega la hora de dormir, se acuestan todos en la cama. El marido a un lado, el invitado en medio y la mujer al otro lado. A medianoche, la ventana empieza a dar portazos y se monta en la habitación un frío de esos que hacen que se te hiele hasta lo que más caliente se pone. Dice Pepe:

¡María, levántate y cierra la ventana!

Pero, hombre, si aquí está éste de acoplao, ¿por qué la tengo que cerrar yo?

Hombre, yo con mi pulmonía…, se queja el legionario.

Bueno, bueno, hacemos una cosa: el primero que hable, se levanta y la cierra, propone Pepe.

Pasan las horas, la una, las dos, las cuatro… Y allá por las cinco y media grita la mujer:

¡PEPE, QUE ME HAN FOLLAO!

¡A cerrar la ventana, que a mí me han dao por el culo y me he callao!

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required…so get out of the car!

The four men didnt wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: her key wouldnt fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.

She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
…And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also. St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct? The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes. St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.

Inappropriate responses include:

Oh Yeah
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
Ive seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Define pretty
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is Buy a Corvette and a Boat.) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not; dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Oh my.

Men are like a fine wine.

They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd want to have dinner with.

Havent I seen your face before? a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

You have, Your Honor, the man answered hopefully. I gave your son violin lessons last winter.

Ah, yes, recalled the judge. Twenty years!

Un león depertó una mañana con ganas de presumir. Así que acorraló a un changuito y rugió, ¿Quién es el más fuerte de todos los animales de la selva?

El changuito, todo tembloroso, dijo: Tú eres, rey león.

Más tarde, el león atrapó un venadito y le dijo: ¿Quién es el más poderoso de todos los animales de la selva?

Oh, gran león, tú eres por mucho el más poderoso de todos.

Ya encarrerado, el león llegó hasta donde estaba un elefante y rugió, Quién es el más poderoso de todos los animales de la selva?

Como un relámpago, el elefante atrapó al león con su trompa, lo golpeó contra un árbol media docena de veces, saltó encima de él hasta dejarlo como una tortilla, y se marchó caminando lentamente.

El león soltó un quejido de dolor, levantó la cabeza y le gritó al elefante: ¡Oye, no tenías que enojarte tanto por no saber la respuesta!