Old and New Jokes

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I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, Im done for.

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: No youre NOT! Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head!

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to kill the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: Okay… NOW youre done for!

Dos amigos estaban charlando en un bar: Pues estoy preocupado, porque últimamente mi mujer no pone ningún interés cuando hacemos el amor y no se queda satisfecha.

Bah, no te preocupes, eso es por la rutina. A mí me pasaba lo mismo hasta que descubrí una solución. Mira, cuando noto que esta perdiendo interés, lo que hago es sacar una pistola de agua y pegarle un tiro en la cara, y con la impresión del susto se vuelve a excitar y todo va perfecto.

¿Deveras? Pues voy a probarlo.

Al cabo de unos días vuelven a verse: Hombre, ¿cómo te ha ido con tu esposa?

No me hables. Resulta que estabamos haciendo un 69 cuando note que estaba cansándose, así que saqué la pistola y la disparé. Se cagó en mi cara, me arrancó el pito de un mordisco, y de un armario salió un negro con las manos en alto.

A collision at sea can ruin your entire day.

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: Were going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

INTERVIEWER: Shooting! thats a bit irresponsible, isnt it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I dont see why, theyll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

INTERVIEWER: Dont you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I dont see how, ….we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

INTERVIEWER: But youre equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, youre equipped to be a prostitute, but youre not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mafia lieutenant and a performance artist?

A: Someone who makes you an offer you cant understand.

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?



The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.



The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?



St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.



The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?



St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.



This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?



Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan!