Old and New Jokes

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie,
Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling,
Do you have anything for this?
The lady looked closely at her and replied, Have you tried Clearasil?

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

Oh, my, said the bunny, Im terribly sorry. I didnt mean to hurt you. Ive been blind since birth, so, I cant see where Im going. In fact, since Im also an orphan, I dont even know what I am.

Its quite OK, replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least youll have that going for you.

Oh, that would be wonderful, replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, Well, youre covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. Id say that you must be a bunny rabbit.

Oh, thank you! Thank you, cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way youve helped me. So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, Well, youre scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. Id say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was
teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while and finally
when he said, Jump! the frog would jump high in the air. He thought
it was time to take some measurements and publish the results.

He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler and a knife. He
placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said, jump. It jumped
and he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation
note book: Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None.
Then he cut one of the legs of the frog and said jump. It jumped to
a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, and
measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height
jumped was only 5 inches. The he cut one more leg and the frog now
had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg.
Again the inference was none. Then he cut the last leg of the frog
and said, jump! It didnt move at all. He wrote his inference in
the note book: When all four legs are removed, frogs go deaf.

If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

9. Beer doesnt tell you how to have relations with the opposite sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They dont force beer on minors who cant think for themselves.

6. When you have a beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.

4. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

3. There are laws saying beer labels cant lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a beer.

1. If youve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Q: What will you call a sardaarji who is under water all the time?

A: Jalandhar Singh

Q: What will you call a sardaarji if he is the only sardaar alive?

A: Justonesingh (Jashwant Singh)

What goes up when you count down?

A Rocket Ship!

Three proofs Jesus was jewish:

He went into his fathers business.
He lived at home until the age of 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was god.

Three proofs Jesus was irish:

He never got married.
He never held a steady job.
His last request was for a drink.

Three proofs Jesus was Puerto Rican:

His first name was Jesus.
He was always in trouble with the law.
His mother did not know who his real father was.

Three proofs Jesus was italian:

He talked with his hands.
He took wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trade.

Three proofs Jesus was black:

He called everybody brother.
He had no permanent address.
Nobody would hire him.

Three proofs Jesus was from California:

He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He invented a new religion.

A blonde woman came home from work one day only to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman. Devastated, she pulled a gun out of her drawer and held it to her head, threatening to commit suicide. Her boyfriend yelled,No, honey, dont do it! Im sorry!To which the blonde replied,Shut up – youre next!

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered –

I guess youd be eating alone!