Old and New Jokes

The following was told to me by a fellow Morris Man, who claims that
it is true and that it was related to him by a teacher at Melbourne
Grammar.

The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the
importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in
the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up: What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with:

Well, Jones, I guess youll have to learn to write with your other
hand.

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

6. The glass in windows – even double pane – cannot stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, its already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A young child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Small Legos will successfully pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. Play-Doh and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is permanent.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still cant walk on water.

14. VCRs will not spontaneously eject PB&J sandwiches

15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

16. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

17. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not taste or smell better baked.

19. The spin cycle on the washing machine does make earthworms squirm.

20. Making a cat dizzy will cause it to spit up twice its body weight.

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a dog.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

But Im not allowed up on the couch!



Doctor, Doctor Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!

Doc: Do you drink a lot?

Not really – I spill most of it!



Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

Then youll have a bad headache.



Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im God!

Doc: When did this start?

Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…



Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?



Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doc: I never make rash promises!



Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a frog!

Doc: So whats wrong with that?

I think Im going to croak!

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.



Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.



Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? The PGA tour.

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!? It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the bad kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said hed love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have mad passionate animal sex. When they were done, the lady said she didnt want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, How much did you make, looking at his good son. The good son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, How about you? The bad son said, well… I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!

Un tipo se encontraba sin mujer y, por consiguiente, no tenía en donde meterlo. En eso, ve a un borracho durmiendo en la calle con los pantalones abajo y con el culo al aire. El sujeto no lo pensó dos veces y, caliente como estaba, le metió la puntita hasta que acabó, dejándole luego $100 en el bolsillo. Cuando el borracho se levanta y se encuentra el dinero, se dirige inmediatamente a la botillería y pide una botella de vodka.

Al día siguiente, el calenturiento hace lo mismo y le deja $500. El borrachín se levanta y va directamente a comprarse una botella de güisqui. Duerme la mona nuevamente, y el cachondo se lo mete todo, hasta el fondo, y le deja $1000. El beodo se dirige a la botillería; cuando el dueño lo ve, le pregunta:

¿Güisqui?

¡No, porque con el güisqui me duele mucho el culo!

Después de quedarse sin dinero, un hombre se encuentra afuera de un casino en San José y a las cuatro de la mañana para un taxi:

Buenas. Mire, tengo un problema: necesito que me lleve a Cartago. No tengo dinero aquí para pagarle, por lo que he pensado que usted me deja en la puerta de mi casa, vivo en un primer piso; subo y le bajo el dinero.

No, esa mierda no me la creo, responde el taxista.

Vamos, que necesito que me lleve, que no tengo nada de plata aquí…

Que no, que no te llevo, que te vayas caminando.

Finalmente, el tipo llegó a Cartago como pudo. Al cabo de un mes vuelve a ir al mismo casino y le va de maravilla y se gana 500 mil colones. Sale del casino otra vez a las cuatro de la mañana para coger un taxi y ve que hay una cola de 20 taxis por lo menos y se da cuenta que el último de todos era el del otro día, y dijo para sí mismo:

A este hijueputa hoy si me lo jodo.

Va con el primer taxista:

Hola, buenas noches. Le doy 20 mil colones si me lleva a Cartago, pero con una condición.

Sí, sí, la que sea, la que sea, acepta el conductor.

Que cuando lleguemos allá me la chupes.

¡Qué va, que va. Búscate a otro!

El segundo taxi:

Hola, ¿qué tal? Le doy 20 mil colones si me lleva a Cartago con una condición.

Sí hombre, lo que sea, ¿qué tengo que hacer?

Que cuando lleguemos allá me la chupes.

¡Lárguese antes que lo pichasee todo!

Así se tiró toda la cola y cuando llega al último, que era el del otro día, le dice:

Mira, te doy 20 mil colones si me llevas a Cartago, pero con una condición.

Sí, claro, la que sea.

Que cuando pases por delante de todos estos taxis saques la mano y grites: ¡Voy para Cartago, voy para Cartago!