Old and New Jokes

There were three little pigs named Shutup, Stupid, and Trouble, and they were driving a car through the countryside once day.

Trouble leaned too far out the window and fell out of the car, and then down a hill, so Shutup and Stupid started looking for him.

A police car stopped to see what was the matter, but when the cops asked what their names were, the pigs each said their names in turn.

Shutup
Stupid

Misunderstanding them, the cops asked them if they were looking for trouble, and they said Yes, he fell out of the car and rolled down the hill.

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzens head now overlooks Bubbas fireplace. 4. You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. 5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I herd dat! 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off! The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Its a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, youll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. If I were you, Id make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer and Bing Crosbys Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judds All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It. Sincerely Yours, Santa ClausNorth American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie? Because you can see right through him.

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!

The sky was dark, the moon was high;

All alone, just her and I.

Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue,

I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft; her legs so fine,

I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didnt know how, but I tried my best;

I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear, my fast beating heart;

But slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt so shame;

All at once the white stuff came.

At last its all finished; its all over now,

My first time ever at milking a cow.

My name is Bob. Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central & Tramway. I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Corvette, with her face up next to the rearview mirror putting on her eye makeup.
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!

In response to the request for kids growing up stories, heres one
told to me many years ago by some friends about their five-year-old
daughter Laura. The mother calls it The Kevin Incident. The father
just says, Like Mother, Like Daughter.

It seems that Laura came home from Nursery School one day and
announced that Kevin had pee-peed in the yard. Since Laura was one of
the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to
impress on her that she should try to help the younger children learn
right from wrong, so they said, Well, Laura honey, how big is Kevin?

Whereupon Laura held her two index fingers an inch or so apart and
said, Oh, about this big.

Una pareja de sordomudos estaban recién casados, y querían dejar las cosas en claro desde el principio. En su primer noche juntos conversan a señas, y la mujer le dice al marido: Querido, cuando quieras hacer el amor, me tomas mi pecho izquierdo, y si no quieres hacerlo, sólo me tomas el derecho.

El marido responde, Perfecto, ahora déjame decirte que cuando tú quieras hacer el amor, me tomas mi cosa, y la jalas una vez, pero si no quieres hacerlo, me tomas de mi cosa, y la jalas 50 veces.

El marido llega a casa y se encuentra a su esposa sudando y colorada y vestida con tan sólo un camisón. El tipo se mosquea cantidad y empieza a mirar a su alrededor: la cama está deshecha y hay un bulto tras las cortinas. Debajo de ese bulto hay un par de pies… Así que aparta las cortinas de golpe y, efectivamente, ahí detrás hay un tío en pelotas.

¿Quién es usted?

Eh… pues… soy el exterminador… yo… estaba… haciendo la inspección de polillas… ¡Sí, eso es, estaba comprobando si había polillas en esta casa!

¿Y por qué está usted desnudo?

¿Desnudo? ¡Cielos, estas polillas son peores de lo que pensaba!

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer.

The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.



The old man replied, Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, well have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.



The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, Well, what seems to be the problem?



The old man replied with a sad look on his face, I cant remember where I live!