Old and New Jokes

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

Uh, Reverend, Ive changed my mind, the groom responded. I think I want the traditional service.

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, Ive got a big problem doctor.

Every time were in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.



My dear, the shrink said, thats completely natural. I dont see what the problem is.



The problem is, she complained, It wakes me up.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Hope you dont mind, I just took a leak in your tank
You do know theres a guy hiding in your back seat, dont you?
Sometimes I have the strangest feeling Im about to burst into flames
Regular, premium, or ranch flavor?
You know, if a guy breathes enough fumes, someone like you starts to look pretty good
The soda machine was on the fritz today – I had to drink a quart of Quaker State with my lunch
Does this uniform make me look pretty?
This is my car! You stole my car!
Ill check under your hood if you check under my belt
Want to make out in the back seat?

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by
a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby
demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

Well, said the demon, the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and
the blondes dont!

Bobbing for french fries.