Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, thats a really fancy watch.” “Thanks, says the guy, “Its the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and itll answer me, telepathically.” “Rubbish, youre having me on,” says the girl. “No, its true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, Ill prove it. Ill ask it if youve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you havent got any panties on.” “Well, its wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.” ”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “its an hour fast!”

Va un matrimonio de huasos ignorantes al doctor, pues tenían 10 hijos y no querían tener más familia; entonces el Dr. les dice:

Cuando tengan relaciones usen condón…

Y se van. Al tiempo vuelve la pareja, con un bebé y el Dr. les dice: ¡Pero como es posible!, a lo que los huasitos responden:

Pues verá pos Dr, lo que paso jué que los condones son mu caros y la Mañuca me tejió condones a crochet… Y parece que no resultó na la custión…

El Dr. moviendo la cabeza dice:

Bueno, ahora le voy a recetar algo que es infalible. Tome… use estos óvulos y se los pone en la vagina…

Salen los huasos… y la Mañuca le pregunta a su marido: Oye, ¿y dónde está la vagina?

No sé.

Anda a preguntarle al Dr.

Entra el huaso y dice :

Er… discurpe Dr. ¿me podría decir dónde está la vagina?

Por ahí entre las piernas.

Sale el Huaso y le cuenta a su mujer… a lo que ella responde:

¡Bruto! ahí hay varios hoyos… cual de todos es po, anda ve a preguntarle al Dr.

Entra el huaso muy avergonzado ya y le dice al Dr:

¿Cuál de too eso hoyos es la vagina?

Y el Dr. un poco molesto le dice: ¡Ahí pos hombre, en la chucha!

Sale el huaso y le dice a su mujer:

Viste, Mañuca, yo sabía que el Dr. se iba enojar. ¡Me mandó a la Chucha!

User : Hello, my computer is reporting a fatal error!

Support : Well theres nothing we can do now, you should have called us when it was still critical!

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?

She glanced at him casually and replied, Youre never home!

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.

The marriage counselor told him, If you wish to save your marriage, youd better be a little boulder.

Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other, So how do you drive this thing?

Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of these responses:

Im sorry, sir, but Im completely filled with fruit and cheese.
OK, Ill take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight.
I cant make that kind of decision now; Im on my deathbed. (cough, cough)
When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK?
Im too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises)
Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?… But… but… youve been dead for 15 years!
(Japanese accent) Sorry, Im not very interesting.
Really, maam, this is not a good time. Im cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head.
Now will this protection youre offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement?
No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!!

Compliment her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine & dine her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her….



HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN



Show up naked.

…. with Beer

Why cant Mexico beat us in the Olympics?

– Everyone that can run jump or swim is already here.