Old and New Jokes

(True(?) story heard on WVBF, Boston this morning:)

Apparently this womans miniature schnauzer had an infection
in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown
hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the
hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store
and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an
appropriate product. He went on about how some were better
for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for
removing facial hair. He then said, May I ask where you
intend to use this?

She replied Well, its for my schnauzer.

He said, OK, but you shouldnt ride a bike for two weeks.

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

Trust no one in times of crisis.

I have one

Your husband will have one

Your mother uses your fathers one

And your auntie uses your uncles one

A married lady would acquire one

But a divorced lady would lose her one

A Pope doesnt use his one

Madonna doesnt have one

The Chinese usually have short ones

While the Pakistanis usually have long ones

After your marriage your husband will give you his one?

Longer or shorter you have to take his one.

Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.

Do you want one?

How long do you want?

Which one is your preferred one?

Long one or short one

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What you are thinking of?

Are you sure?

Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?

You Dirty mind!!!

…and the doorbell started ringing. She jumped out to get it, but couldnt find a towel to wrap herself in. As she headed for the bedroom to grab something, she yelled Whos there? The voice called out, Its the blind man. The woman guessed he wanted to sell some pencils or something and stopped, realizing she didnt have to get any of her clothes wet, he couldnt see her anyway. When she opened the door a wide-eyed man in gray coveralls asked her Uh, where do you want me to hang your blinds?

BOY : Since we met, I cant eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : Im broke. BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isnt heavy. GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it?? GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me… GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, whats your phone number?? GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Dont you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?? SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. Hed forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because Im wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick. Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary : John says Im pretty. Andy says Im ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think youre pretty ugly. Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two. Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes. Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They havent finished the water I gave them last week. Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, its a sponge cake, isnt it? It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. What are you charged with? he asked.
Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.
Thats no offense, replied the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?
Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

Youre so ugly, your mom has to tie a steak around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

The Marginal Basin Song by Chris Stillman
(melody: Lead us on, thou Heavenly Father)

On a margin runs a canyon down into the ocean dark;
Theres a basin slowly filling with detritus from the arc.

Refrain: For the drifting causes rifting,
Opens basins mighty fine
Which strike-slip will close in time.

With volcanics theres no problem; theyre erupting all the time;
Fill the thin with pillow lavas, sheeted dikes and serpentine.

Rising slowly from the ocean filled with gritties coarse and fine,
Are you fore-arc? Are you anti-arc? Are you just a geosyncline?

Texan: Where are you from? Harvard graduate: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.Texan: OK, where are you from, jackass?

You might be a redneck if…
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.