Old and New Jokes

Exxon Suxx.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning to cook outside.
You dont have any problems pronouncing Worcestershire sauce
correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You dont know what a moon pie is.
Youve never had grain alcohol.
Youve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Youve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows youve see
are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it
goes over your head.
You dont see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You would rather vacation at Marthas Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as yall, you call
them you guys, even if both of them are women.
You dont think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football
coach.
You dont have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You dont have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south youve ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
You cant spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You dont know what applique is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place
within the context of a football game.
You dont know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You dont have doilies, and you certainly dont know how to make
one.
Youve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You cant do your laundry without quarters.

There was this doctor who for one reason or another decided to clone himself.

After it grew up and began looking more and more like him, he threw a party to show him off. The clone was a hit, a big hit. He walked, talked and acted exactly like the doctor.

Half-way into the party the clone went berserk. He started pinching all the womens breasts and grabbing their bottoms and using filthy, disgusting language. When enough of this had gone on to disrupt the party, the doctor began chasing the clone.

He chased him all through the house till finally they ended up on the roof. The doctor began to plea to the clone, inching closer and closer.

But he was too late, the clone fell to its death on the street below. Distraught, to say the least, the doctor phoned the police and reported everything that had happened.

The police came and arrested the doctor, for making an obscene clone fall.

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well thats the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I cant open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldnt budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said Pull

Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room

1) Clip your toenails. 2) Read a Playboy magazine. 3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed. 4) Flirt with the nurse. 5) Watch a football game on your portable television. 6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.

Luigi leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Luigi smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

Poor Luigi broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, What would you say is my best feature?

Flustered and embarrassed, Luigi finally squeaked, Its got to be your ears!

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere! How can you say the best part of my body is my ears?!

Clearing his throat, Luigi stammered, Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

Una pareja de golfistas están jugando una tarde en un exclusivo campo rodeado de lujosísimas mansiones de millones de dólares. En el hoyo 3, el marido le dice a la esposa:

Querida, ten cuidado cuando golpees, porque si rompes una ventana nos va a costar una fortuna reponerla.

La esposa golpea y la pelota va a dar al ventanal más grande de la casa más lujosa de la urbanización. El marido la increpa diciéndole:

¡Te fijas, lo primero que te dije, ahora ve tú a saber cuanto va a costar esa ventana!

El esposo se dirige a la casa, acompañado de lamujer, toca la puerta y una voz desde adentro le dice:

Adelante…

El hombre abre la puerta y mira que hay vidrio esparcido por toda la casa y una botella rota a un lado del salón. Un hombre elegantemente vestido, sentado en un sofá le dice:

¿Son ustedes los que han roto mi ventana?

Sssíí…, en realidad lo sentimos mucho.

Bueno, la verdad me han hecho un favor… Soy un genio que he estado atrapado en esa botella por más de mil años, por lo que estoy dispuesto a conceder tres deseos, pero como son dos, haremos lo siguiente: les voy a dar un deseo a cada uno y otro me lo guardo para mí… a ver que deseas, le dice al esposo.

Quiero un millón de dólares al mes, por el resto de mi vida.

Dalo por hecho, a partir de mañana los comenzarás a recibir; ¿y tú?, le dice a la esposa.

Quiero tener una casa en cada país del mundo.

Es lo menos que puedo hacer por ti, a partir de mañana te llegarán los títulos de propiedad de las casas.

Bueno ¿y usted que desea?, pregunta el esposo al genio.

Miren, yo he estado atrapado en esa botella por más de mil años y en todo ese tiempo no he tenido sexo con ninguna mujer, por lo que mi deseo es acostarme con su esposa.

Se quedan mirando el uno al otro y, finalmente, el marido dice:

Bueno, por un millón de dólares mensuales y todas esas casas, yo creo que podemos hacer una excepción ¿no crees? A mí no me importará.

El genio se lleva la esposa a la habitación principal y luego de tener sexo por más de dos horas, le pregunta a la esposa:

Por cierto, ¿qué edad tiene tu marido?

Treinta y cinco ¿por que?

¡Porque parece mentira que a los 35 años, todavía existan güevones que creen que los genios existen!

En un monasterio había un sacerdote que acostumbraba bañarse todas las noches en su tina, ayudado por una hermana religiosa, quien había sido educada en la misión de ayudar al padre, sin pudor, en lo que necesitara durante su baño cotidiano.

Una mañana, la hermana se encuentra con la madre superiora y le comenta:

Madre, he sido salvada.

¿Pero cómo ha ocurrido tan magno evento, querida hija?

Anoche, mientras ayudaba al padre José con su baño, él tomó mi mano y la llevó hasta su entrepierna y me dijo: ésta es la llave del cielo, y que sería necesario probarla con mi cerradura para ver si se abrían las puertas del Cielo para ser salvada.

Este viejo desgraciado… ¿y qué más pasó?

Bueno, probamos la cerradura; él me dijo que al principio dolería un poco, porque el camino al cielo era difícil y doloroso, pero que al final sentiría un gran placer.

Este viejo desgraciado. ¡Y a mí me tenía engañada con que era la trompeta del arcángel san Gabriel y se lo estoy soplando hace 20 años!

A lawyer is bombing along the moterwat in his brand new Ferarri F50. All of a sudden he loses control of the vehicle and drives onto the wrong side of the road. He has a head-on collision with a lorry. A passer-by saw the accident and phoned for an ambulance. The lawyers car was smashed up. When the paramedics arrived they found the lawyer through the windshield. The lawyer was screaming,oh no! My car,my car! The paramedic replied, I dont think you should worried about your car sir, your arm has come clean of.

The lawyer shouted,oh no my Rolex, my Rolex!

A: To get to the other tide.