Old and New Jokes

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?

Call her/him on the telephone!

A little kid watched the drunk marine go into the bath room and
as the marine was taking a leak the kid asked, Are you really a
marine? The marine replied, yes, do you want to wear my hat?
The kid said, Oh yes, and the marine gave him his hat.

A minute later a sailor walked into the restroom and the kid
said, Are you really a sailor? The sailor said, Yeah… ya wanta
suck my cock? The kid pulled off his hat and said, Oh no!! Im not
really a marine!

Seen in a bar near here: We dont stand in your toilet, so please dont pee on our floor!

Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb wont work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.

Un ingeniero muere y como debe ser, llega al cielo. Toca la puerta del paraíso y sale San Pedro: ¡Hola!, ¿tú a qué te dedicabas en vida?

¿Yo?, soy ingeniero.

¿Ingeniero? mmm… no, ésos no entran aquí, no estás en la lista.

Como no el quedaba de otra, el ingeniero fue a tocar a las puertas del infierno:

Hola, vengo porque no me aceptaron en el cielo.

Ah ¿no? ¿y qué eres?

Soy ingeniero.

¿Ingeniero? ¡pasa, pasa!

Después de estar varios meses soportando el calor, la peste a azufre, las largas caminatas, y demás inconvenientes del infierno, el ingeniero decidió hacer algunas mejoras, así que al poco tiempo el infierno contaba ya con aire acondicionado, ventiladores para sacar el espantoso olor, escaleras eléctricas, etc. Al cabo de un año, cuando Dios no oía ninguna queja del infierno, habló para ver como andaban las cosas:

Hola Satanás.

Hola Dios.

¿Cómo van las cosas?

Uy, van de maravilla, con aquel ingeniero que mandaste…

¿INGENIERO?, eso debe estar mal, te ordeno que me lo regreses, fue un error.

Ah no, eso sí no, el ingeniero es mío.

¡O me lo regresas o te demando!

Se oye la risa burlona de Satanás:

¡Ja ja ja!… ¿demandarme? ¿Y de dónde vas a sacar a un abogado para eso?

Un viejito llega a la farmacia y le dice al dependiente:

Señor, me puede dar una cajita de Viagra.

Sí como no. Trae usted su receta

No, pero traigo al enfermo.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why youre just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Many a wife thinks her husband is the worlds greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.