Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Goose!
Goose who!
Goose see a doctor, you dont look well!

A programmer comes to a piano-player to have a look at his new grand piano, walks around, hems and finally, says,

-the keyboard is inconvenient-84keys, half of them functional, all unmarked, though, to press Shift with a foot is a fresh idea.

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side.

The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said, Ive had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I dont feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply. Last week my wife ran off with a cop, he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

Off you go, said the officer.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of battered

women.

And to think… all this time, I have been eating mine plain!

The eminent acting teacher was telling his students about the worst actress he had ever seen. She couldnt find work until she married a rich producer who included her in all of his shows. One of his plays was the stage adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank, where her portrayal of Anne was so wretched that when the Gestapo came to take her away, the few people who were left in the audience stood up as one and shouted, Shes in the attic!

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: What were you thinking about?

Vladimir: Same thing you were thinking about, comrade.

Ivan: Then it is my duty to arrest you.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Ears pierced – while you wait!
Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

What do you get when you gross a Pitbull and a Redneck?

A white neighbourhood.