Old and New Jokes

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really ARE Einstein! he says. Welcome to heaven!

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?

Saint Peter says, Go ahead.

Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! he says. Come on in!

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?

George W. looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso?

Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

I drive this way to piss you off.

January 19th – Clone Patent Day

In 2000, the U.S. biotechnology company Geron Corporation, which had bought the Scottish research company formed by those who had cloned Dolly the sheep, won the first UK patents for cloning. The patents covered the nuclear transfer technology used to create Dolly in 1996.

LEAK SUPPORT

*ring* *ring*

Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?

Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak.

Okay … well, do you have to go now?

Yes, I do

Okay … well, are you on male or female equipment?

MALE-CLONE.

Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.

My what?

Your fly … it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down.

I see shoes.

No, sir … look sorta in the front of you … like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. Thats your fly.

The round thing?

Well, thats your button … lets open that, too, while were down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways.

Oh, okay … got it. [pause] Okay, its open.

Okay, sir … can you grab your willy?

No.

Do you see your willy?

No.

Okay … what do you see?

I see white … just white and some lines.

Do you have underwear installed?

No.

Sir, if you cant see your willy, and you see only white … I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak.

Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly … he might have installed underwear.

Okay, sir … well grab the white part and pull down … keep pulling until you see your willy.

Its stuck … it wont go down.

The white part? Or your willy?

My willy …

DONT pull down on your willy, sir … just the underwear. We only want to get to the point where we can see it….

Oh … okay, were there.

Okay … now look around the room … do you see anything made of porcelain?

I see a little penguin on a shelf.

Okay, sir …youre in the living room. Go to the bathroom. We cant take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting. Yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms.

Well, Im downstairs … I think the bathroom is upstairs.

Okay, well … lets go upstairs.

I cant walk …

Okay, sir … temporarily reinstall your underwear … then go upstairs … then uninstall your underwear again.

That was the white part, right?

Yes, sir … thats correct.

[pause] Okay, Im upstairs.

Okay … now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?

Well, theres two…

How tall are you sir?

54

Okay … go to the one where its lower than your willy.

Okay, Im there.

Now, make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl … now just go.

What do you mean?

Well, when it pops up … just hit OK.

Did you hear about the gay Polak?

He slept with women.

Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?

He wants to show them his executive branch.

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene
that indicated great skill and talent in its creation.
One small feature bothered me though. The three wise
men were wearing firemens helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation,
I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked
the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She
exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees
never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall
anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible
from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages,
and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, See, it says right here,
The three wise men came from afar.

From RedneckHumor.com

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea…lets pretend were married.

Why not, giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.

From Contemporary Comedy, November issue

I think its going to be a rough winter. I just saw a flock of geese goosing each other south.

I almost froze. It was a three-dog night, and I only had one dog and a gerbil.

And remember, kids, when the wind-chill drops below 20 degrees, your finger can stick to your gun.

Citing the event as a new era of peace and co-operation, Bill Gates today announced Microsofts purchase of Netscape. Said Gates: Hopefully now the world knows were serious about the Web.

Microsofts first move will be to combine the two browsers, with the MINE (Microsoft Internet Netscape Explorer) browser due this year.

When we release this version, said Gates, all Web access will be MINE.