Old and New Jokes

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If youre Eveready, Im Frito Lay.

A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts? The Scotsman replied, Well, lass, youll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself. She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, Aye, tis gruesome! To which he replied, Best look again, lass, I think its grew some more!

There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady.

He tryed and tryed all night, he couldnt get one.

He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants.

On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down his pants.

He was at the bar all night.

He couldnt get a lady.

He went to home and told his brother that he still didnt get a lady.

His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time.

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards? The priest says, Because Im a father.

Johnny says, Yeah? Well, my old mans got three kids and he dont wear his collar backwards.

The priest says, You dont understand, son. I have thousands of children.

Johnny says, You should wear your fuckin trousers backwards.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, A girls best friends are her own two legs.

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Marys skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, I repeat, a girls best friends are her own two legs.

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didnt get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. Doctor, he said sadly, Im afraid Im going to have to ask you to cut off my dogs tail. The vet stepped back, Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing? Because my mother-in-laws arriving tomorrow, and I dont want anything to make her think shes welcome.

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say Shell be right mate and one to fetch the beers.

Se encontraba un viejito agonizando en su cama, cuando de pronto el miembro se le endurece y comienza a gritar:

¡VIEEEEJAAAA, VIEEEJAAAA!

Y la esposa viejita comienza a subir por las escaleras para llegar donde esta su esposo, pero como era tan anciana se demoró bastante y cuando llegó al cuarto, el viejito la regañó, le dijo que eso casi nunca sucedía y cuando llegaba a pasar ella no llegaba, que a la proxima llegara más pronto.

Pasaron dos días y el viejito, que estaba cada vez más enfermo, comenzó a gritar:

¡VIEEEJAAAA, VIEEEJAAAAA

Sale corriendo la viejita y en el camino se quita la falda, por las escaleras la blusa y calzones, abre esa puerta y se lanza sobre el viejito, y este le dice:

¡Ayyyy vieja, yo muriendome y usted pensando en cochinadas!

Washington DC – An Indiana woman has won agreement from the US Tax Court that her breasts are business assets and can be depreciated for tax purposes.

Cynthia S. Hess, known as Chesty Love in her professional life as an exotic dancer, claimed a $2,088 deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her bust size to a 56FF.

The IRS turned down the deduction, citing a long list of court decisions holding that expenditures to enhance a taxpayers health or appearance – while useful for business – are so inherently personal that they cant be deducted as a business expense.

But Hess found an ally in Special Trail Judge Joan Seitz Pate, who ruled that the implants increased Hess income and that the the breasts are so large and cumbersome – they weigh about 10 pounds each – that she couldnt derive personal benefit from them.

From the Daily Collegian

Q: What is the difference between a puppy and Al Gore?

A: After five weeks, a puppy opens the eyes and stops whining.