Old and New Jokes

Iban dos borrachos por la calle cuando de pronto uno levanta la vista y dice:

¡Mire compadre esos calzonzotes!

Y responde el otro:

¡Aahh! ¡esos! fíjese compadre que son de mi puta madre…

El otro asombrado le dice:

¿De tu puta m…? ¿cómo va a ser eso compadre?

Mira, te lo voy a demostrar.

En eso se voltea y grita con todas sus fuerzas a una señora gorda que estaba tendiendo la ropa:

Oye gorda, ¿de quien son esos enormes calzonzotes que tienes ahí colgados?

Dice la señora:

¡DE TU PUTA MADRE, CABRON!

Se voltea el borracho y dice:

¿Ves?

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING

YOURE A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD

AND WHEN I SAY YOURE GORGEOUS

I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD



SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE

I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB

IT MEANS THAT WHEN IM READY

THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB



SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE

I TELL YA, I DONT CARE

SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA

I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE



IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW

I NEVER TELL YA LIES

I THINK ITS VERY SEXY

THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS



I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW

THE MOMENT THAT WE MET

I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS

I WAS EVER GONNA GET



NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE

ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR

NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON

AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER!…..8 )

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

YOURE DRUNK! exclaimed the police officer.

Thank God for that! said the drunk, I thought the steering had gone.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Handel!
Handel who?
Handel with care!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit

the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned

to the Rabbi and said, I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with

Good question, noted the Rabbi. We save them up and send them

back to the


candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of


candles.


Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual


question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way What

about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? Ah, yes,


> replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with


an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the

manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo


balls.

I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. Well, Rabbi,


> > he went on, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the

circumcisions you perform? Here, too, we do not waste, answered

the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to

the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Married people dont live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlyweds bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, Thats happiness! Thats happiness! But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, Thats a penis?! Thats a penis?!

Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I cant do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.