Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another
class returned from a trip to a working farm:

My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.

Yes it was great – we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers.

Wife: er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what
is a f***er?

David: Oh, theyre the animals that give us milk

Wife: but who said they were called, er, f***ers?

David: that was our teacher. Well actually she called them effers,
but we all knew what she meant.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society.After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery? asked the couple.Because Im the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. Theyre just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

When a guys printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printers manual and trying the job himself.



Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, Does your boss know that you discourage business?



Actually, its my bosss idea, the employee replied sheepishly. We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.

Because their horns dont work.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

Whats wrong? Most newlyweds cant keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. Youre always out on the lake fishing.

Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like…

Yeah. Ive thought of having anal sex with her, but you know… she has diarrhea.

Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, thats not the only way to…

Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums… a common disease called piarhemia.

Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid
to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he
gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they
are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. No
thanks, the girl says. You know I dont smoke.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Stan!
Stan who?
Stan back or Ill shoot!

Un tipo regordete, con un volumen considerable de tejido adiposo y que era muy parrandero, es invitado a una fiesta de disfraces. Como únicamente permiten entrada a los que estén disfrazados, el fulano va a comprar un disfraz, pero… ¡Nada! No encuentra ningún disfraz a su medida. Afligido, se pone a pensar y se le ocurre una idea genial:

“¡Ya sé, me voy a disfrazar del increíble Hulk! Tan sólo tengo que cortar un Levis viejo y me pinto todo de verde”.

Así, animado, llega a la fiesta. Se incorpora al baile y de inmediato saca a bailar a una y otra chica. A las doce de la noche, anuncian que interrumpirán la música para dar paso al concurso de disfraces. El gordo, enfadado, deja de bailar esperando que aquello termine para seguir divirtiéndose.

El tercer lugar y un premio de $500 es para: ¡La bruja de Blancanieves!” (Aplausos)

“El segundo lugar y un premio de $1,000 es para: ¡Superman!”

“¡Buuuu! ¡Qué chiste, esos disfraces los venden hechos!”, grita la multitud.

“Y el primer lugar, con un premio de $5,000 y un viaje a Acapulco para dos personas es para el disfraz que ha causado más conmoción, el disfraz del año, y es para: ¡La gelatina de limón!”