Estaba pepito afuera de una iglesia vendiendo palomitas:
¡Palomitas, palomitas!
Entonces el padre, ya enfadado de que Pepito no lo dejara seguir su sermón como se debÃa, ordenó:
¡Saquen a ese de las palomitas!
A lo que Pepito, muy serio, contesta:
¡No, mejor de las orejitas!
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.
Conversation at the grocers
– Good morning!
– Morning.
– What is that, please?
– Bananas.
– Are they fresh?
– Yes, they are fresh.
– Give me ten pounds, please.
– Okay, here you go.
– Thanks, but, uhh… could you please wrap each one of them?
– Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
– Here you go.
– Thanks. And, what is that, please?
– Oranges.
– Are they fresh?
– Yes, they are fresh.
– Give me ten pounds, please.
– Okay, here you go.
– Thanks, but, uhh… could you please wrap each one of them?
– Yes, sure.
(couple of minutes)
– Here you go.
– Thanks. And, what is that, please?
– Its poppyseed, motherfucker, but its not for sale!
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude youngpeople were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that wouldteach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called middle of the road Democrat?
A: Because hes got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than
Get fucked! We might as well snarl, Make a lot of money! or Have a nice
day!
–Bill Bryson, from The Mother Tongue, English & How It Got That Way
It was her first airplane trip, and Mrs Smith was determined to be nonchalant about the whole thing. After reading a magazine for a while, she yawned and glanced out the window.
My, she said to the man next to her, people look just like ants from this height.
Lady, replied her neighbour, we havent taken off yet. Those *are* ants.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyers office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.I dont think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.What makes you think that?
I got proof.What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.
The boss didnt want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, hed hire him.
He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.
The employee thought, How did he do that?
Next he took him to a pile of 2x4s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.
They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.
The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.
Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said You think youve got me, dont you? Well I know what that is.
Thats the shit house door off of a tuna boat!