A
prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear
Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the
back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read
all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever
you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where
I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from
his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldnt believe
what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear
wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin dog.
What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?
–A wine & cheese party!
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
This train doesnt stop at Victoria, its the express
Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria
Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria
There must be something you can do
Well there is one thing
What, anything, I need to get off
Well, Ill get the driver to slow down and Ill dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform
My god! Will that work
Its worth a try
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph
The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door,
The man starts running. The man is running in mid air.
Run faster! Run faster!
The ticket collector lowers the man down.
The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go. The man is now running at 30mph!!!
Hes made it, he begins to slow down. Hes still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers watch in amazement.
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train.
As hes being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say: Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesnt even stop at Victoria!!!
MarÃa y Ponte estudiaron medicina,
MarÃa se recibió en 2 años
y Ponte en cuatro.
MarÃa y Chúpame sacaron a pasear a la familia.
MarÃa paseó a los grandes
y Chúpame los pendejos.
MarÃa y Temeto tuvieron un accidente.
MarÃa se cortó el brazo
y Temeto el dedo.
MarÃa y Teacabo fueron al otorrinolaringólogo.
MarÃa tenÃa problemas en el oÃdo
y Teacabo en la garganta.
MarÃa y Telameto fueron a bucear.
MarÃa llegó a los 50 metros
y Telameto hasta el fondo.
MarÃa y Teacabo tomaron un colectivo.
MarÃa se bajó en Barracas
y Teacabo en la Boca.
MarÃa y Telameto pintaron su casa.
MarÃa la pintó con laca verde
y Telameto en laca chucha.
MarÃa y Telameto se tomaron otro colectivo,
MarÃa se bajó por delante
y Telameto por atrás.
MarÃa y Telleno se compraron alfajores.
MarÃa compró de chocolate
y Telleno de leche.
MarÃa y Telameto están yendo a un gimnasio.
MarÃa va de vez en cuando;
Telameto, seguido.
MarÃa y Telameto fueron de cacerÃa.
MarÃa disparaba mal;
Telameto con punterÃa.
MarÃa y Teacabo jugaban al golf.
MarÃa colocaba la pelota en cualquier sitio;
Teacabo en el hoyo.
MarÃa y Telameto fueron al banco.
MarÃa perdió tiempo en Banelco
y Telameto en la cola.
MarÃa y Teacabo compraron carteras.
MarÃa compró la más barata
y Teacabo la cara.
MarÃa y Telameto tuvieron un accidente.
MarÃa terminó herida
y Telameto muerta.
MarÃa y Telameto fueron a la peluquerÃa.
MarÃa se cortó el pelo hasta la cintura
y Telameto hasta la nuca.
MarÃa y Telameto tomaron un taxi.
MarÃa se sentó en el asiento delantero
y Telameto en el trasero.
MarÃa y Telameto jugaron a las escondidas.
MarÃa está escondiéndose
y Telameto con los ojos cerrados.
MarÃa y Telameto se fueron de paseo.
MarÃa visitó a su tÃo
y Telameto a vos y a tu hermana.
Wanna play army? Ill lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Q: How do you keep Alec Baldwin from drowning?
A1: You take your foot off his head.
A2: Get the lead out of his ass.
A3: Chisel the concrete off his feet.
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.†The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.†With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.â€
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that youve turned into Gumby.
The Lancashire dialect reverses the u sounds in put and putt.
A Lancastrian gave a lecture to a large mixed class on the Antarctic
expedition led by Sir Vivian Fuchs. He called him Fucks throughout. A
colleague remonstrated after the lecture: You know, his name is Fuchs.
Oh yes; but I didnt like to say it with all those ladies present.
–J.E.Littlewood, A Mathematicians Miscellany