Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.
The man in the car says to her, What do you have in the bag? The blonde replies: I have chickens! The man thinks for a moment and says, If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one? The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, Okay, but Ill make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, My God, youre ugly, arent you!

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

You naughty boy! she screamed, How can you say to your aunt that shes ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her youre sorry!

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, Aunt Tess, I am sorry youre so ugly.

Llega un señor corriendo a su casa y le grita a su mujer:

¡Mi vida! ¡Apúrate… haz las maletas… me acabo de ganar la lotería!

Y ella le pregunta: Pero, ¿empaco para playa o para las montañas?

¡Eso no importa, me da igual… con tal de que te largues!

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. My love, he wrote, we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already Im starting to miss you and theres really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, were constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, why dont you learn to play this? Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. Darling he said, I cant wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love! She kissed him and said, First lets see you play that harmonica.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Quiet Tina!
Quiet Tina who?
Quiet Tina courtroom – monkey wants to speak!

11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.

Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips

Q: What is the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton?A: With the Titanic we know how many people went down.

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?

The man replied, Just doing what you said Doctor – Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.

The Doctor said, I didnt say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.