Old and New Jokes

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said Im a doctor, I save lives, so I must live, and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, Im a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, My son, Ive lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack.

Man: Hows your history paper coming?

Woman: Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and its been very helpful.

Man: Really?

Woman: Yes! Ive already located 17 people who sell them!

Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbors daughter

One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven.

There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.

The cat thinks for a moment and says, Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.

The Lord stops the cat and says, Say no more and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer.

The mice answer, All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we dont have to run anymore?

The Lord says, No problem and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing happily on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes him and asks, How are things since you are here?

The cat slowly stretches out his legs. It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.” he replies, “And those Meals On Wheels you keep sending by are absolutely brilliant!!!

A husband said to his wife, I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it .

The wife said to her husband, I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

Uh, Reverend, Ive changed my mind, the groom responded. I think I want the traditional service.

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, Ive got a big problem doctor.

Every time were in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.



My dear, the shrink said, thats completely natural. I dont see what the problem is.



The problem is, she complained, It wakes me up.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman