Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
14
May
14
May
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, whats the matter?
The fellow replies, well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.
Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?
The man stops crying and says, that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it.
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
Whats the matter now?
the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one! The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
It worked, it worked! he exclaims.
I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!
14
May
Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to fix up unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as perfect for you.
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:
dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses
fine character:
Shes ugly
knows how to handle money:
Shes a spendthrift and great at spending yours
spotless reputation:
Shes ugly
strong family ties:
Shes a Mafia Princess
loves children:
Shes pregnant and needs a husband
wonderful personality:
Shes fat
great sense of humor:
Shes fat and will laugh at anything you say
the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys
ready to settle down:
Shes thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot
lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself
mature woman:
Shes at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
has the appearance of a young school girl:
Shes at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
casual:
She dresses like a slob
decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty
a great dancer:
Shell wear the soles right off your shoes
not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day
doesnt chase men:
Shes more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
seldom dates:
Shes a lesbian who needs a male escort for something
understands men:
Shes been married and divorced four times
a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table
looks and dresses like a model:
Shes five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds
been in show business:
Shes a former porn movie star
traveled a lot:
Shes searched high and low for a husband
knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her
wonderful disposition:
Shes ugly
14
May
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
14
May
A: Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!
13
May
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Whos bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Biggers baby! Mr. Biggers baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
13
May
A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.
The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.
He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.
They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native, Tree.
The native repeats, Tree.
They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says, Bush.
The native repeats the word, Bush.
They walk around the bush – and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native wont ask about it, but he does.
The native asks – What is that? What are they doing?
And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies, Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!
Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.
The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks, Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!
The native answers, Him riding MY bicycle!
13
May
A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to Makeout Mountain, where things get a little hot n heavy. Then the guy leans over."Do you want to go in the backseat?""No." Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again."Do you want to go in the backseat?" "No." A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask agin."Do you want to go in the backseat?""No." "Why not?""Because I want to stay up here with you."
13
May
In the back woods of West Virginia, the rednecks wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing. Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think theres yet another one to come. Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern…It seems theres yet another one in there! cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, Do you think its the light thats attractin em?
13
May
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a mans penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because theyre practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
A. Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after theyre born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they dont like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Whats the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or dont fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why do men whistle when theyre sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. What is the difference between men and women…
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
P.S. AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN IS POSSIBLE