Old and New Jokes

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by
a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby
demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

Well, said the demon, the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and
the blondes dont!

Bobbing for french fries.

How do you get a blond out of a tree? Wave

How do you drown a blond? Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.

What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito? A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.

When can you tell witch cars a blonds car? The stick shift is wet.

There once was a man who had a terrible love for baked beans. The problem was that everytime he ate them he got horrible gas.He met a wonderful woman and they fell in love. After dating for some time he asked her to marry him. She said yes but only under one condition, if he would stop eating beans. She couldnt stand the affect they made on him. Well, him loving her so much agreed.
A few years later on the mans birthday he was driving home from work early because his wife wanted to make a nice dinner for him. On his way home though the car broke down. So he called his wife from a pay phone and said he was going to be late. Well, on his way home he passed by a restaurant that was letting out the wonderful aroma of baked beans. He decided that if he had some he would be able to walk of the ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ended up ordering 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. So on his way home he was pooting and tooting the whole way there. By the time he got home he felt great and was pretty sure all the gas was gone. He walked into his house to be greeted by his wife who had a blind fold. She said she was going to blind fold him and bring him into the dining room, she had a surprise for him. After getting settled in the dining room the phone rang. His wife ran to get it. As his wife was on the phone he felt some urges coming on and decided he better let them go now while his wife was gone. So he lifted his leg up and RIIPPP. Yikes! And then he felt another one coming on, RIP! Well this one was even worse than the last, it was so bad it was hard for him to breathe after it. Then a third one came on…he could tell this was gonna be a big one! RIIPP! The windows shook, he was gagging for air, the flowers on the table died. Soon after that he heard the end of the phone conversation and his wife walked back into the room. After making him promise he had not peeked she took of his blind fold. To his shock and horr

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.

Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it.

After months of silence, OJ finally spoke at the trial. His words to
Judge Ito were.. I did not,
could not and would not have committed this crime.

Seems with a little help from Dr. Suess and a bit more time, he and
Judge Ito could have
extended this statement:

Itos statements in ALL CAPS… OJs in lower case.

DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?

I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSONS LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?

I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.

I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam I Am

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of
having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a
divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says, It is better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says, You are both wrong. It is best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you are with the mistress and the mistress thinks you are
with your wife – you can do some mathematics.