Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
11
May
11
May
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. What commandments do you offer? they said.
He answered, Thou shalt not murder.
They answered Sorry, we are not interested.
Next he offered it to the Romanians. What commandments do you offer? they said.
He answered, Thou shalt not steal.
They answered, Sorry, we are not interested.
Next he offered them to the French. What commandments do you offer? they asked.
Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife.
Sorry we are not interested, they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews.
How much? they asked.
Its free, he answered. Well take ten of them!
10
May
Un tipo fue a la casa de su novia para conocer a sus suegros y pedir la mano de su hija en matrimonio.
El tipo llegó, tocó a la puerta y lo atendió el suegro.
Buenas noches, yo soy el novio de su hija… y bueno… venÃa a hablar con usted porque deseo casarme con su hija y… este… usted sabe, necesito de su permiso.
El suegro le respondió: Muy bien, pase adelante. Se sentaron y el suegro le preguntó: Bueno, ¿Y con qué tipo de base económica piensa usted sustentar a la nueva familia?
Este… bueno, yo ya soy graduado como ingeniero pero no gano mucho. Sin embargo, como yo tengo conocimiento de que usted y su esposa trabajan y ganan buenos sueldos,… bueno… yo pensaba que de ahà podrÃamos pagarnos el teléfono, la luz, la comida, etc. Usted sabe ¿No?
El suegro lo miro medio raro y le pregunto: Y dÃgame ¿Dónde piensan vivir cuando se casen? Supongo que usted ya habrá alquilado un departamento o comprado una casa.
El tipo contesto: No exactamente… yo pensaba que bueno… los primeros años de matrimonio, su hija y yo podrÃamos vivir aquÃ, total esta casa es grande y además yo con lo que gano no puedo comprar ahora un apartamento… y mucho menos una casa.
El suegro lo miró molesto y le pregunto: DÃgame ¿Y usted tiene carro propio? Porque tener carro es muy importante.
No. Pero como usted tiene tres carros y solo usa dos… bueno… yo pensaba que podrÃa usar uno de esos hasta que pueda comprarme uno propio.
El suegro ya estaba a punto de explotar y más a medida que el tipo le seguÃa contestando con la misma frescura. En esto entró la suegra y el esposo dijo:
Querida, menos mal que llegaste. Te presento al novio de nuestra hija: El señor gallina.
El tipo lo miró desconcertado y exclamó:
Un momento señor. ¿Cómo es eso de El señor gallina?
Bueno pendejo y ¿cómo quieres que te llame? si hasta ahora lo único que vas a poner son los huevos!!!
10
May
Un hombre se acerca al consultorio de un doctor para ver que le recetaba para la calvicie y el médico le dice que ha desarrollado un nuevo metodo para combatir la calvicie. El hombre muy interesado le pregunta que cual es y el doctor le contesta que para que le salgan pelos en la cabeza tiene que restregarla en los genitales de una mujer.
El hombre, no muy convencido, acepta someterse al tratamiento, pero antes de irse nota que el medico también era clavo y muy enojado le dice al médico:
Usted me quiere engañar, me está recetando un remedio para la calvicie y usted es también calvo. ¿Cómo voy a confiar en su tratamiento?
Y el médico le responde:
Un momento, es cierto que soy calvo, ¡pero mire qué barba de candado!
10
May
Exxon Suxx.
10
May
You think barbecue is a verb meaning to cook outside.
You dont have any problems pronouncing Worcestershire sauce
correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You dont know what a moon pie is.
Youve never had grain alcohol.
Youve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Youve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows youve see
are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it
goes over your head.
You dont see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You would rather vacation at Marthas Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as yall, you call
them you guys, even if both of them are women.
You dont think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football
coach.
You dont have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You dont have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south youve ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
You cant spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You dont know what applique is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place
within the context of a football game.
You dont know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You dont have doilies, and you certainly dont know how to make
one.
Youve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You cant do your laundry without quarters.
10
May
There was this doctor who for one reason or another decided to clone himself.
After it grew up and began looking more and more like him, he threw a party to show him off. The clone was a hit, a big hit. He walked, talked and acted exactly like the doctor.
Half-way into the party the clone went berserk. He started pinching all the womens breasts and grabbing their bottoms and using filthy, disgusting language. When enough of this had gone on to disrupt the party, the doctor began chasing the clone.
He chased him all through the house till finally they ended up on the roof. The doctor began to plea to the clone, inching closer and closer.
But he was too late, the clone fell to its death on the street below. Distraught, to say the least, the doctor phoned the police and reported everything that had happened.
The police came and arrested the doctor, for making an obscene clone fall.
10
May
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well thats the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I cant open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldnt budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said Pull
10
May
Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room
1) Clip your toenails. 2) Read a Playboy magazine. 3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed. 4) Flirt with the nurse. 5) Watch a football game on your portable television. 6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.
10
May
Luigi leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Luigi smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
Poor Luigi broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, What would you say is my best feature?
Flustered and embarrassed, Luigi finally squeaked, Its got to be your ears!
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere! How can you say the best part of my body is my ears?!
Clearing his throat, Luigi stammered, Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.