A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. Youve been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.Ivanov for the last six months. Havent you noticed that Mr.Ivanov has passed away?
Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.
Subject: Y2K Fix
From: Y2K Support Team
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem. We
have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the Y2K date change mission, and
have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect kour
new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,
November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be honest, none of this Y to K
problem has made ank sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and
our team is glad to help in ank wak possible.
Bk the wak, what does the kear 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what
do kou think we ought to do next kear when the two digit kear rolls over from 99
to 00?
Well await kour direction.
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, Because its Lent.
Almost in tears, she remarked, Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?
One day a blonde chick was walking with her husband. He said Babe, we have to go to bed more often.
She replied, Why? Do I have bags already?
A household appliance designed to eat socks.
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.The crowd made way for him.Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
The inventor of dormitories . . . lets find him, make him pay for the
travesties hes visited on Americas youth, and force him to listen to
Matchbox 20. Cant you see him designing these hellish stacks of
humanity many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands
triumphantly and said, It shall be like the projects with less violence
and more marijuana! He then took lumber and Elmers Paste, as it is
often called, to create these pet carrier sized rooms that we live in.
You wanna know why people from the projects hardly ever go to college?
Its because they dont want to leave their lush surroundings.
The actual term dormitory is of course derived from the Latin term
for sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to
do. You have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink but it can be
done. The luckier students have space to scratch their asses but the
windows have to be open and their roommates have to be gone for the
weekend. When you go home the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and
you can romp around in the bathroom like a horny antelope.
I cant imagine the kids who brought everything they own to the
dorm. I brought like a condom and a sock. Next semester I hope to have a
towel and the other sock. I also need a new condom. Forget
having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyway? Nobody on my campus.
I think its a rule. This one kid tried but no one knows what happened
to him. Lets just say his floormates never saw him awake again. I feel
like Im a member of the national insomnia coalition. 0ur agenda
involves a lot of Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on tv. Its
like this strange pseudo-vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you
stay up late enough they play the Tonight Show over again and it still
isnt funny? No sleep really fucks with your eating habits too. Every
night at 2 in the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to
go to the vending machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of
salmonella.
People have White Zombie playing until 5 AM, which to me really
encompasses my mood at 5AM. I could be listening to Kenny G and it
would seem hardcore at 5 in the morning. It doesnt matter because you
still cant get an open clothes drier minutes before sunrise. Theres
like this one chick whose always tying up an entire drier with like one
pair of panties. I let it slide because it gives me an opportunity to
watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is when she turns out to
be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry basket. Not that
the dryers work anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get it drier than
the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry jeans?
Forget about it. I had to convert mine to a deep-sea wet suit.
So what if you want to leave the dorm?Get ready for a chore.
Youll need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella, sun glasses,
insulin, a snake bite kit, mace, a pack mule, and an Algonquin Indian
translator (Miami students you know what thats all about). Then you
have to go walking through the building kissing the asses of all the
dweebs you live with and holding the door for anyone in the same county.
Whats with the door holding policy? Like opening a door requires a
spotter. If youve got arms, a coordinated foot, or useful nub, open
your own God damn door.
>>>>>>
No matter where you go you have to use these gerbil-on-a-wheel
elevators. I could climb up the side of the building with a corpse tied
to my johnson in less time than it takes for the door to close. Then you
have to fucking march for miles from your dorm which is conveniently
placed on fucking opposite side of the campus from any building that is
fucking remotely important.
People on rollerblades I accept, people on bikes I have urges to
clothesline but tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just
below medically retarded nazis. It must be explained to them that
skateboards were cool when we were 11 and even then they werent that
cool.
Where are you headed? Probably to get something to eat at the
dining hall. The only dish they havent fucked up is Lucky Charms. I
think the university supplies them with a blender and unlimited horse
meat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to making the menu
fresh and exciting is the food coloring. The charming and buck-toothed
lunch ladies proudly announce, Yesterday we had chicken nuggets and
today we present to you blue chicken chunks that are totally unrelated
to the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious, they
have nothing to do with each other. I stake my hair net on it. You can
have extra blue in yours. And the ladies (who really seem to love livin
in the exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on
a toothpick. You cant just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for
more than the offensive line could consume this semester. Then you get
a second blue nugget. Remember how excited the potato bar got you the
first week? Now the potato bar makes you homicidal. (What are bacon
flavored bits madeof?)
Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite,
which is a pretty cruel manipulation of the English language. I get to
spend time with the closet case that the boarding office apparently
found compatible with me. Hes like Chewbaccas considerably less
attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of
the English language. My roommate is another rant all together. Most
people get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives
while he watches you sleep (mine), and the one who asks you what its
like to go outside (also mine). My suite mates next door live an
intensely Rastafarian lifestyle. In an attempt to put Cheech and Chong
to shame, their bong is a centerpiece of the room that they clean with
wadded textbook pages. They smoke to Bob Marley at 3AM on Wednesday
nights which is a little too hardcore but you have to love their
dedication to the sport.
End your dorm day by hopping in the shower. Its as big as a
tupperware container. It has 3 temperatures, fucking hot, really fucking
hot, and nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on the campus the
temperature goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few
minutes. I swear it is connected to every toilet. My brother flushed the
toilet at home last week and I called him to tell him to be a little
more considerate. The bathroom is as clean as any fast food restaurant
urinal cake and after the average college student cleans the shitter
with a bottle of Vodka its as clean as any bus station. Ive given up
on cleaning the bathroom and Im disinfecting myself. A quick spray down
with Lysol Direct and my body is fresh and repellant to several
bacteria.
Bottom line. Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes
coming from under the bathroom door because they never share. The
best days of your life will be over soon.
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth even when you dont know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just dont tell your father.
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please dont say a word to your mother.
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth.
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug!
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldnt bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
We just cant wake her. It doesnt look good Im afraid
the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said: But doctor, shes so young. Shes only 45.
37 came the weak reply from Lena.
For those of you that might not have heard the REAL story of Christmas, enjoy!
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should deliver. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddled clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, Let us go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.
And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.
Luke 2:1-20, KJV