Old and New Jokes

Juan y María, una pareja de rancheros, se casaron. Al llegar al hotel, en su luna de miel, ella decide tomar un baño. Mientras María se baña, Juan la espera completamente desnudo. Cuando sale y ve a su esposo sin ropa se asusta muchísimo. Meloso, Juan le llama:

Ven, María.

Pos pa qué, Juan, contesta la mujer sin mirarlo.

Ven, María, acércate.

No, pos pa qué, Juan.

Ven, ven, pa que lo mires.

Tímidamente, María se acerca en silencio.

Pos no ves, María, di algo.

¿Pos qué digo?

Pos di algo.

Bueno, pues, (agarrando el pene) saludos a mi apá, a mi amá y a todos los del rancho.

When the jumbo jet on its way to Charles de Gaulle got up in the air, the loudspeaker came on: This is your captail Emilia Rodriguez speaking. We are cruising and 35,000 feet, … yaddayaddayadda.

When the announcement was finished, a woman calls the flight attendant over and asks, Is it really true that this plane is being flown by a woman?

Yes, says the attendant, Captain Rodriguez is a woman.

How wondful! exclaims the passenger, may I go up into the cockpit and congratulate her?

I think I can arrange that, replies the attendant, and BTW, you might also like to know that the co-pilot AND the navigator are women, too.

Oh, this is exciting, gushes the passenger, Id like to go and congratulate them all!

Well, you may certainly do that. In fact, youll be interested Im sure to know that only women make up the entire crew of this flight.

This is the proudest day of my life, continues the passenger, Ive just got to go to the cockpit and express my admiration.

One more thing you might like to know, adds the attendant, we dont call it the cockpit any more!

Plan ahead… It wasnt raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When youre 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

Dont listen to critics – do what must be done.

Build on high ground.

For safetys sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isnt always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board… but then so were the turtles.

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

Dont forget that were all in the same boat.

When things get really deep, dont sit there and complain–shovel!

Stay below deck during the storm.

The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

Dont miss the boat. Repeat… Do NOT miss the boat…

No matter how bleak it looks, theres always a rainbow on the horizon.

I saw this bumper sticker yesterday.

Our child was
INMATE OF THE MONTH
at Santa Clara County Juvinile Detention Facility

Q. Why is a hunter good in bed?

A. Becuse he always goes deep, when hes in the bush he always shots twice, and he always eats what he kills.

There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of
the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldnt resist
making all these outrageous wagers.

Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree youll see two squirrels fucking!

The father was understandably shocked. Son, how could you say such things?
There are no squirrels doing anything.

Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I
pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer.

The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough
two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he
promised.

It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had
to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making
his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to
warn her of his son.

Err… Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make
explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse
him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?

The teacher says she will try.

So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day
when Little Johnny pipes up. Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have
brown pubic hair!

Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnnys remarks. She grabs
his ear and hauls him to a side room. I oughta spank you and wash out your
mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!

Little Johnny took this all in stride. Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts.
If I win, you dont owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars.
Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not
bluffing.

Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten
teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What
more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life?
So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the
door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see
that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of
money he bet.

Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again.

Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change
on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. I am pleased to
report that your son will never be wagering again. The father is quite curious
as to how she did it.

Well, err… You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I
had brown pubic hair and, well… err… I proved him wrong.

Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!

Well, uhhh… I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia.
Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.

That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that youd take your
underwear off on the first day of class!

Note: to fully appreciate this, you need to know about the 1960s television show, Mister Ed.

As the scene opens, Mister Ed is in the barn, reading the paper when Wilbur comes in …

Wilbur; Hi there, Ed ! What are you up to?

Ed; Well, Willllbur I was just reading in the paper where in Pakistan they executed a horse for killing a man.

Wilbur; Gee, Ed, thats awful – what did they do to execute the horse?

Ed; Well, they have this special gallows that allows them to hang the horse by the neck and the tail, and that kills em.

Wilbur; Gosh Ed, that sounds brutal. I hope Im never hung like a horse!

Ed; Thats not what your wife says Willlbur!

A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical demo.

The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.

Owner : Whos that?

Master: Miaooow…

The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.

The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory classes.

Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in darkness, and tells the other Sardars, These are the various steps for stealing. You just observe. Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.

Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Whos that ? )

Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)

Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.

Subject: Vus titzuch

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, The Jews have this expression :Vus titzuch?


The President says, Hell, whats that mean?

Well, Mr. President, replies the CIA chief, Its a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to whats happening. They just ask each other and they know everything.

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyns most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, Vus titzuch?

The old guy whispers back: Bush is in Brooklyn.

After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorneys home he handed him the the bill.



Four hundred dollars! For an hours work? cried the attorney, Thats ridiculous! Why Im an attorney and I dont charge that much.



To which the electrician replied, Funny, when I was an attorney I didnt either!