Old and New Jokes

Read the following statements and the amazing

conclusion:





1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is



Basketball.





2. The sport of choice for maintenance level



employees is Bowling.





3. The sport of choice for front-line workers



is Football.





4. The sport of choice for supervisors is



Baseball.





5. The sport of choice for middle management



is Tennis.





6. The sport of choice for corporate officers



is Golf.





THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:



The higher you are in the corporate structure,



the smaller your balls become.

There is no substitute for good manners…except fast reflexes.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. The very scared blonde raised her head and said, Is that you, Lord? The voice answered, NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldnt sleep I

tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.


The leftovers beckoned — the dark meat and white, but I

fought the temptation with all of my might.


Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a

snack became infatuation.


So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at

the fridge, full of goodies galore.


I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and

carrots, beans and tomatoes.


I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a

sudden, I rose off the ground.


I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a

mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie


But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…….

happy eating to all—pass the cranberries, please

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.


…. with Beer

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

I really dont like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

A drunk Russian guy walks up to a Jewish guy and says to him,why are all you dirty Jews so rich and yet so mean?

To which the Jewish guy replies, I am not a rich man and none of my Jewish friends are rich either

Feeling angered at the Russian guys question the Jewish guy then asks why are all Russian girls called Natasha and work as prostitutes?

To which the Russian guy replies in shocked anger,thats not fair to say that, my grand mothers name is Svetlana and she nolonger works as a prostitute!

How do you make a cat be a dog?

Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go WOOF.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldnt return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. One million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, Ill give you $1 million, Ill keep $1 million, and well send the engineer.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!