Mrs Jones sat nervously before the psychiatrist and said I caught my son and the girl next door examining each other with their pants down.
Thats not so unusual, said the psychiatrist, children often do that, I wouldnt get too upset about it.
Im already upset about it said the woman, and so is my sons wife!
The redhead says to the blonde darn….my husband brought me some flowers home last night. Now I am going to have to keep my legs in the air all weekend. The blonde replies Why….dont you have a vase?
A: Because they can spell it.
Before I tell this story, I want to be sure that everyone knows that coprolalia (uncontrollable obscenities) affects only about 20% of the Tourette population. Most people only have the tics and/or obsessive compulsive behaviors.
A friend of mine who has Tourette with coprolalia was telling me how embarassing it can be to live in a big city with this disorder. She has a tic which she calls her nigger tic. One of her close friends is a black woman, and some of us think that her tics come from that relationship. All of us wonder sometimes how she manages to stay alive.
She had gone to the bank one day before ATMs to get money for her vacation. Unluckily, she managed to get in line behind a tall black man who was obviously a body builder. He was wearing a neon purple sweater with no sleeves, and my friend knew right then she may be in trouble.
Her tics began with repeating the word purple under her breath, but with the stress of waiting in a long line, they began to get louder and louder.
Then, as she feared, the nigger tic began. By the time the man in front of her reached the front of the line, she was regularly sputtering out purple … nigger … purple … nigger
The man turnedaround to look at her, and she thought for sure he would kill her. Instead, he said Maam, youve definitely got a problem if you think niggers are purple.
I apologize if some of you found this language offensive. One of the facts about coprolalia is that you say the worst things you can manage without wanting to. Most people dont even really feel the things they say. None of the language here reflects the views of my friend or the author.
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another
class returned from a trip to a working farm:
My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.
Yes it was great – we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers.
Wife: er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what
is a f***er?
David: Oh, theyre the animals that give us milk
Wife: but who said they were called, er, f***ers?
David: that was our teacher. Well actually she called them effers,
but we all knew what she meant.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society.After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about?Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery? asked the couple.Because Im the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. Theyre just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
When a guys printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printers manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, its my bosss idea, the employee replied sheepishly. We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.