Old and New Jokes

Because their horns dont work.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

Whats wrong? Most newlyweds cant keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. Youre always out on the lake fishing.

Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like…

Yeah. Ive thought of having anal sex with her, but you know… she has diarrhea.

Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, thats not the only way to…

Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums… a common disease called piarhemia.

Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid
to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he
gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they
are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. No
thanks, the girl says. You know I dont smoke.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Stan!
Stan who?
Stan back or Ill shoot!

Un tipo regordete, con un volumen considerable de tejido adiposo y que era muy parrandero, es invitado a una fiesta de disfraces. Como únicamente permiten entrada a los que estén disfrazados, el fulano va a comprar un disfraz, pero… ¡Nada! No encuentra ningún disfraz a su medida. Afligido, se pone a pensar y se le ocurre una idea genial:

“¡Ya sé, me voy a disfrazar del increíble Hulk! Tan sólo tengo que cortar un Levis viejo y me pinto todo de verde”.

Así, animado, llega a la fiesta. Se incorpora al baile y de inmediato saca a bailar a una y otra chica. A las doce de la noche, anuncian que interrumpirán la música para dar paso al concurso de disfraces. El gordo, enfadado, deja de bailar esperando que aquello termine para seguir divirtiéndose.

El tercer lugar y un premio de $500 es para: ¡La bruja de Blancanieves!” (Aplausos)

“El segundo lugar y un premio de $1,000 es para: ¡Superman!”

“¡Buuuu! ¡Qué chiste, esos disfraces los venden hechos!”, grita la multitud.

“Y el primer lugar, con un premio de $5,000 y un viaje a Acapulco para dos personas es para el disfraz que ha causado más conmoción, el disfraz del año, y es para: ¡La gelatina de limón!”

A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked, What on earth are you doing?!?!!

The wife turned to the other man and replied, See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog thats running free, Doesnt see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why theres no telling what shed do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.



No, youre not, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.



I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.



No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan



I have had more lovers than any person in the world, announced Don Juan.



No, you havent replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.



Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.



Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.



I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.



In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.



I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.



In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, Who the hell is Bill Clinton

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman
sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he
notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front and three in the back
of the car – wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, you werent speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly –
twenty-two miles an hour, the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22
was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, the officer says, I have to ask… Is
everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent
muttered a single peep this whole time.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.