Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

The Pastor approaches his pulpit one Sunday and said, Before we get started today I want you to know that there are rumors running rampant-Ive heard that there are many of you out there been a Hen and a Shen out of wedlock-if you been then get up and get out of my church right now!

Some couples got up and left.



Then he said, Some of you been a Hen and Hen-I want you to get up and get out of my church right now!



Some guys got up and left.



He says, Some of you ladies been a shen and shen-leave my church right now! Some women left.



Old Brother Brown in the back got up and was leaving.



Pastor asked, Where you goin Brother Brown?



Brother Brown replied, I know sooner or later youll be gettin to men and a men and Im just gettina head start……

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see whats in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

This will look nice on my mantelpiece, he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. I wish for a beautiful Castle right now! He gets one.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside. Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: I wish Id never have to work ever again. OOPS!

Hes back in his government office.

En un circo pusieron un letrero:

SE SOLICITA DOMADOR DE LEONES

Dos personas respondieron: una hermosa rubia de proporciones físicas inmejorables y un borrachín que pasaba por el lugar, que queriendo probar su suerte se animó a solicitar el empleo.

El dueño del circo piensa que el temulento se desanimaría al ver a los feroces animales, pues ya estaba inclinado por la despampanante rubia. Así que le dice:

Bueno, como estamos entre caballeros, creo que es nuestro deber cederle el paso a las damas, si no tiene ningún inconveniente.

El beodo contesta afirmativamente.

La hermosa curvilínea se introduce en la jaula con los leones, haciendo gala de belleza y valentía. Todo iba bien hasta que, en un descuido, uno de los felinos le tira un manotazo destrozándole la silla que utilizaba como escudo. Otro la desarma de su látigo, dejándola totalmente indefensa.

El primer león abalanzándose sobre ella le desgarra el vestido, dejando al descubierto sus voluptuosas curvas. Entonces, cuando todos pensaron que los leones iban a hacer pedazos a la hermosa rubia, éstos comienzan a lamerla.

Viendo esto, el dueño del circo se voltea hacia el ebrio y, en tono burlón, le pregunta:

¿Usted podría hacer eso?

A lo que el borracho, con voz aguardentosa, contesta:

¡Claro que sí! ¡Nada más que me saca a los leones!

Two women were digging in the garden. One pulls out a two foot carrot. She says, This one reminds me of my husbands. The second woman says, Your husbands is that long? No that dirty.

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since shes got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?

God replies, I didnt recognize you.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but so will your mom if she climbs on top!

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 113.

They got out and measured their rig, which was 124.

What do you think? one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. Not a cop in sight. Lets take a chance!

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that shes a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what its like for her.

Mom: So…. now that youve started dating, whats it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isnt working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff….

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters…

Daughter: I dont know…..

Mom: Now dont forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really…

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.