Old and New Jokes

Top 10 Reasons For Being Spanish

You can be mistaken for a Mexican all over North America
The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
Everybody else makes crap paella and claims its the real thing
Hard to get the women into bed without marrying them …
.. and twice as hard still if youre not a Catholic
In fact, the only sure way is to dress up in silly too-tight clothes and
risk your life in front of bulls
You get to eat bulls testicles
Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his tool of the trade. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, So thats how you guys load those things!

God created the mule, and told him, You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered, To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20. And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.

And the dog responded, Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years. And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.

And the monkey responded, Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years. And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

And the man responded, Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected. And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

Every womans Mr. Right?
Download the Diet
Coke spoof movie.( This movie is Mpeg encoded.)

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad …

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad …

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY … Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later … Daaaa-aaaad …

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa a new car from $199 down and $199 a month!

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

My wife and I cant seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.

The waitress looked at him and said: Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.

IBM: Ill Buy Macintosh

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.