Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.

If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure.
–Al Gore

Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
— Vice President Al Gore

Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.
–Vice President Al Gore

Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
–Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
— Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.
–Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is to be prepared.
–Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
–Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
–Vice President Al Gore

The future will be better tomorrow.
–Vice President Al Gore

Were going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
–Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
— Vice President Al Gore

I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made.
–Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson,8/17/93

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
— Vice President Al Gore

Public speaking is very easy.
–Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95

I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat.
–Vice President Al Gore

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
— Vice President Al Gore

When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
–Al Gore

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
–Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
— Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

For NASA, space is still a high priority.
–Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
–Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make.
–Vice President Al Gore

Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
–Vice President Al Gore

It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
— Vice President Al Gore

[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
— Vice President Al Gore

AND, OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE:

As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet
–AL Gore to Katie Couric 3/99

But can he spell potato??? 🙂

A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.

He sits down and the doctor says, Whats the problem?

The frog says, Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?

Q: How many Hells Angels does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But do you really want to hang upside down with a light bulb up your ass for asking??

A grandpa and his five year-old son went out fishing. After a while the grandpa pulled out a beer and the grandson asked Hey Grandpa, can I have a beer?

The grandpa replied by saying Can your dick touch your asshole?



So the grandson said,No.



Then the grandpa said, Then you cant have one.



Later on, the grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and the grandson asked Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?



The grandpa again replied by saying, Can your dick touch your asshole?



So the grandson again replied by saying no.



Then the grandpa said, Well, then you cant have one.



Now the kid is getting really pissed off. So he takes out a cookie and the grandpa says, Gee grandson, can I have one?



The grandson replied by saying, Can your dick touch your asshole?



So the grandpa said, Yes.



Then the grandson said, Good, then go f*** yourself because grandma made these for me.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but

she slides down the side of the horse anyway.  The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.  Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.  As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one – one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.

Flons Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.