Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a pool hall with a monkey on his shoulder. He approaches a table to play a game, and sits the monkey down on the table. The monkey reaches into one of the pockets pulls out a ball, sniffs it, and then swallows it. The man calmly pays the owner for the lost ball and leaves.

The same man returns a week later with the same monkey. This time he sits at the bar for a drink, and the monkey takes a peanut from a tray then inserts it into his ass, then removes it and eats it. The bartender notices this and asks the man about the odd behavior.

The man replies Ever since he swallowed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it.

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was
told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to
Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to
Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored.
Whats it like in there? asked Dave. Well, he replied , In
Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a
rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small
pieces with sharp knives.

Thats terrible!! gasped Dave. Im going to check out Communist
Hell! He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line
of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven
times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through
to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people
in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

In Communist Hell, said Marx impatiently, they flay you alive, boil
you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver,
and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.

But … but thats the same as Capitalist Hell! protested Dave.

True, sighed Marx, but sometimes we dont have oil, sometimes we
dont have knives …

Henry Cate III

Nit Hey
Wit Hay is for horses
Nit Arent you glad your a jackass?

A parasite.

Un día, un tipo acude a una notaria con la intención de cambiarse el nombre.

Buenas, señor notario, vengo porque quiero cambiarme el nombre y deseo saber que papeles y requisitos son necesarios para ello.

“Verá, tráigame su registro civil, la partida de bautismo, etc., pero antes cuénteme, ¿usted cómo se llama?

Popó Sánchez

¿Y cómo se quiere llamar?

Popó González.

Sign on music teachers door: Out Chopin.

Sign at the electic company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

Sign in beauty shop window: Dye now!

Sign on a garbage truck: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

Sign at a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

3. Twitch a lot.

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, Now, in the living room, Id like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, Green side up!

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, In the dining room Id like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy. The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells Green side up! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, In the bedroom, Id like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells Green side up!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window Green side up. What on earth does that mean?

The contractor shakes his head and says, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.

Why are Polack jokes so short?

So Germans can understand them!

(I, by the way, am Polish, so I can usually get away with
telling such jokes.) 🙂

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?

No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.

Intrigued, the woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?

It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Whats it telling you now?, she asks.

Well, it says that youre not wearing any panties….

The woman giggles & replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

The man exclaims, Damn– this thing must be an hour fast