Old and New Jokes

Q. Why is a hunter good in bed?

A. Becuse he always goes deep, when hes in the bush he always shots twice, and he always eats what he kills.

There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of
the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldnt resist
making all these outrageous wagers.

Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree youll see two squirrels fucking!

The father was understandably shocked. Son, how could you say such things?
There are no squirrels doing anything.

Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I
pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer.

The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough
two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he
promised.

It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had
to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making
his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to
warn her of his son.

Err… Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make
explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse
him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?

The teacher says she will try.

So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day
when Little Johnny pipes up. Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have
brown pubic hair!

Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnnys remarks. She grabs
his ear and hauls him to a side room. I oughta spank you and wash out your
mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!

Little Johnny took this all in stride. Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts.
If I win, you dont owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars.
Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not
bluffing.

Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten
teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What
more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life?
So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the
door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see
that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of
money he bet.

Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again.

Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change
on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. I am pleased to
report that your son will never be wagering again. The father is quite curious
as to how she did it.

Well, err… You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I
had brown pubic hair and, well… err… I proved him wrong.

Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!

Well, uhhh… I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia.
Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.

That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that youd take your
underwear off on the first day of class!

Note: to fully appreciate this, you need to know about the 1960s television show, Mister Ed.

As the scene opens, Mister Ed is in the barn, reading the paper when Wilbur comes in …

Wilbur; Hi there, Ed ! What are you up to?

Ed; Well, Willllbur I was just reading in the paper where in Pakistan they executed a horse for killing a man.

Wilbur; Gee, Ed, thats awful – what did they do to execute the horse?

Ed; Well, they have this special gallows that allows them to hang the horse by the neck and the tail, and that kills em.

Wilbur; Gosh Ed, that sounds brutal. I hope Im never hung like a horse!

Ed; Thats not what your wife says Willlbur!

A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a practical demo.

The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.

Owner : Whos that?

Master: Miaooow…

The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.

The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory classes.

Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in darkness, and tells the other Sardars, These are the various steps for stealing. You just observe. Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.

Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Whos that ? )

Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)

Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.

Subject: Vus titzuch

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, The Jews have this expression :Vus titzuch?


The President says, Hell, whats that mean?

Well, Mr. President, replies the CIA chief, Its a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to whats happening. They just ask each other and they know everything.

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyns most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, Vus titzuch?

The old guy whispers back: Bush is in Brooklyn.

After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorneys home he handed him the the bill.



Four hundred dollars! For an hours work? cried the attorney, Thats ridiculous! Why Im an attorney and I dont charge that much.



To which the electrician replied, Funny, when I was an attorney I didnt either!

Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

Thats it George! Ive had it this time. his wife screamed. Im cutting you off forever.



Thats impossible, he replied, you dont even know where Im getting it.

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.

Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering all you can eat salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.

Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, Red Caps will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant dont forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wine!
Wine who?
Wine dont you like these jokes!

How can you tell if a mans playing around?

He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, To whom it may concern…