Old and New Jokes

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Keep your bosss boss off your bosss back.

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable, if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

It doesnt matter what you do, it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldnt.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Your mammas so fat, when she backs up, she beeps!

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guys girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. Well The friend said to the first guy… Thats not so bad… The first guy turns to him and says Yea, Thats what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
Babys First Ornament would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

Un tipo se muere y va al cielo, y le pregunta a San Pedro si está en sus listas. San Pedro revisa y dice No amigo, aquí no estás, tendrás que irte al infierno.

Llega al infierno y le pregunta lo mismo a Satanás quien le responde No mi amigo, aquí no estás. Pero mira, te propongo un trato: Si pasas una prueba te podrás ir a la tierra, pero si no te quedarás aquí para siempre.

El tipo acepta y el diablo le empieza a explicar: Mira, hay tres cuartos y en cada cuarto hay una prueba. Si pasas los tres te vas; si no, te quedas. En el primero tengo 50 latas de cerveza, si te las tomas todas vas al siguiente. En el segundo hay una mujer muy caliente e insaciable de sexo; si la logras satisfacer vas al siguiente; y en el último hay un león que tiene un fuerte dolor de muelas, si le logras sacar la muela ya podrás irte.

El tipo se mete al primer cuarto y se toma la midad de las cervezas de un tirón, sale a tomar aire por un minuto y se mete de vuelta. Después se mete al segundo cuarto, y se empiezan a escuchar gritos, llanto, fuertes ruidos, grrrrrrr, mmmmmmmmm, ahhhhhhhhh. Finalmente sale el tipo con la ropa desgarrada, la cara lastimada, con moretones en el cuerpo y sangre por todos lados y dice, Ok satanás ¿dónde está la mujer con el dolor de muelas?

Un pequeñín va con su papá y le pregunta:

Papá, ¿por qué el césped es verde?

El padre, al no saber la respuesta, apresura:

Porque se vería muy extraño en rojo, púrpura o azul.

Ah, bueno, papá. Gracias.

Y antes de que se aleje el niño, el progenitor le pregunta:

¿No quieres que te explique por qué el cielo es azul?

One day I was fishing in my dads boat. He was not with me, so I had to be very careful.



I caught a fish. It pulled me out of the boat. It smacked my face, aginst the water, did that hurt! I could not get back to the boat.





I swam back to the cabin, and boy was my dad



pissed off.

Some soul-searching showbiz questions

By Timothy M. Gray

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) – There are eternal questions that may never be answered: What is reality? What is the meaning of life? Why was I born? When was the last time Lauren Bacall went to a supermarket? What kind of people would allow their marriage ceremony to be performed on Live With Regis & Kathie Lee? Well wait a moment while you ponder those questions.

I know, the fifth one was the hardest. Then are you ready for some more? OK, get out a clean sheet of paper and a No. 2 pencil, and answer the following.

Since A Streetcar Named Desire, The Moon Is Blue, Lady in a Cage and Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf? were once considered shocking and scandalous, does that mean American Movie Classics may one day be airing Showgirls and Natural Born Killers?

If the writers and director of the Oscarcast can win an Emmy for their work, what can the writers and director of the Emmys win?

Sometimes, when youre really tired, do you ever get Lori Loughlin, Laura Linney and Laura Leighton mixed up?

When some studio exec suggests to a director that a two-hour, 15-minute film could be trimmed, isnt the director aware the executive may have a point?

Since the Oakland school board wants Ebonics considered a separate language, does that mean that the Hughes brothers movies someday could qualify for the Oscar as best foreign-language film?

Could Jackie Mason be considered a foreign language?

Does Connie Stevens sell makeup on Home Shopping Network 24 hours a day, or does it just seem that way?

A few years ago, did anyone ever imagine that Clash of the Titans, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and Leap of Faith would one day become the most-aired movies on cable?

Since Sharon Lawrence has her own sitcom, appears on NYPD Blue and is at every premiere, when does she have time to sleep?

Why do so many Oscar-nominated movies — Evita, Jerry Maguire, Hamlet, Emma, Michael Collins, The People vs. Larry Flynt, Marvins Room – have somebodys name in the title?

Did you ever think youd live long enough to see a multiple-Oscar nominee named Billy Bob?

Remember when you used to see someone sitting outside their office building and you assumed they were soaking up the fresh air, but now you assume theyre there to smoke?

Since the Jewish songwriter Irving Berlin wrote Easter Parade and White Christmas, isnt it only polite that some goy composer should come up with at least one standard about Hanukkah and Rosh Hashanah?

Now that Mel Gibson is a star, why dont they release Mad Max with the original Australian dialogue to cable and home video?

Are Real World and Road Rules on MTV 24 hours a day, or does it just seem that way?

Why wasnt George Clooney the sexiest man alive when he was in his four previous TV series?

Sometimes, when youre really tired, do you ever get Dylan Baker, Dylan Walsh, Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney mixed up?

Since the invention of remote controls, why are lead-in series still important on TV?

Why does everyone always speculate on what Shakespeare would be doing if he were alive today, but no one ever wonders about Chekhov or Moliere or Euripides?

Why is everyone always so sure about what Walt Disney would disapprove of if he were alive today, but nobody wonders about Harry Cohn, Jack Warner or Louis B. Mayer?

Sometimes, when youre really tired, do you ever get Rene Russo, Andie MacDowell and Jeanne Tripplehorn mixed up?

Is Talk Soup on 24 hours a day on E!, or does it just seem that way?

That new guy who hosts Talk Soup is not expecting to get a lead role in a Sydney Pollack movie, is he?

When post office workers go postal and shoot co-workers, exactly what do they have to put up with that showbiz employees dont?