Old and New Jokes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her go do something to prove them wrong! Why dont you learn all the state capitals or something?

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, Im NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!

The guy doesnt believe her, so she dares him to test her.

He says Okay, whats the Capital of Montana?

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, Thats easy! Its M!

You might be a redneck if…

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the who can spit tobacco the farthest contest.

A guy with a donkey walked up to a psychic and asked about his future.

The psychic said, when your donkey farts 3 times you will die.



So the man walked along with his donkey and the donkey farted.



The man said Oh no donkey you mustnt fart again.



So they kept on walking and the donkey farted again.



The man said I cant take another chance with this.



So the man then shoved a cork up the donkeys buttocks. Then the man felt relieved so they continued walking. The donkey farted yet again, sending the cork flying. The cork hit the mans head with such speed that he was killed instantly.

It was a sweltering August day when all three Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker,

Mr. Ford, announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.

Please step inside, Mr. Ford.

What!!! shouted the tycoon, Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car !!

It is, smiled the youngest brother, Max, but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button. Intrigued, Ford pushed the button.

All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

This is amazing ! exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the patent?

Norman spoke up, The price is one million dollars. Then he paused. And there is something else. The name Cohen Brothers Air Conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!

Ford, an infamous anti-semite, retorted Money is no problem, but there is no way I will have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel NORM, HI and MAX.

There was a young lady from France



Who got on a bus in a trance



Everyone fucked her



Apart from the Conductor



But he came twice in his pants

Since this most recent sex scandal broke on President Clinton, most democrats are scrambling to defend him. One of the more popular ones around seems to be: Kennedy did the same thing.

Well … maybe, but not only did Kennedy have class and discretion, he had much better taste in women.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have

dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: I needed three important

people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy

the Earth.

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: I have two

really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the

earth.

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: I have good

news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is

tomorrow hes destroying the Earth.

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: I have two pieces of

great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth,

and second, I think Ive got the Y2K problem fixed.

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.



The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.



Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.



Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, Whats the matter Jim?



Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, Throw me my 7-iron…

You cant get out of here with an 8-iron!

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. Just think, he said, when I am President, Ill have my own personal gold urinal!

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the Presidents private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nadia!
Nadia who?
Nadia head!