Old and New Jokes

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants goal when the Elephants left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

What the hell do you think youre doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied, Well, I didnt mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really dont like the jack-o-lantern, but you cant convince it to move out.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts?
No, he replied, just my arthritis acting up a little.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinates office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, Im a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, here, stick this in MYASS. It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.

A communist party official opened a whorehouse to attract tourists
and their foreign currency. Adding up his books after a year,
he discovered he had lost a great deal of money.

I dont understand it, he moaned. I hired all the best girls.
Why, every single one of them has been a good loyal party member
for at least 30 years!

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of
the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into
a rage.

What is this? he shouts. I fought against the Nazis, I worked
hard all my life, Ive been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I
cant even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!

Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you
had made an outburst like that only a few years ago–and he points
an imaginary gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, So theyre out of
meat again?

Its worse than that, he replies. Theyre out of bullets.

Maurice Suhre

George W. Bush is very concerned about Dick Cheneys recent health problems. Now Dubya knows hes only a heartbeat away from the presidency.

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. Amazing. 66 years! I said. Whats the secret to such a long, happy marriage? Well, he replied, Its like this. The man makes all the big decisions…and the woman just makes the little decisions.

Really? I responded. Does that really work?

Oh, yes, he said proudly. 66 years, and so far, not one big decision!

Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one? she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. You have 171 sheep, said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back? The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

What the heck am I doing? he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, Ive had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. Last week my wife ran off with a cop, he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

Off you go, said the officer.