Old and New Jokes

A friend in the US has forwarded me this set of rules of conduct for female teachers in 1915 (school unknown).

You will not marry during the term of your contract.
You are not to keep company with men.
You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You may not smoke cigarettes.
You may not dress in bright colors.
You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
You must wear at least two petticoats.
Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldnt walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasnt coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

Are you Mr. Johnson? the asked? He admitted that he was.

Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he.

And what did you do then, the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.

It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?
Yes. Come and join us, they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.

Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?

You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
That was fantastic, he panted.

So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.
Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.

I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a mens rest room?

A: Say, Nice dick.

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they dont work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we dont get some support soon, people are going to think were nuts!

Q: Why dont bunnies make noise when they make love?

A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: Moms have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day. What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Hey, some real comics over there in S. Korea. John Joss just bought a
sportshirt made by a Korean firm called Heet, with these instructions:

For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang-dry
and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag
behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack.

(from Herb Caens column in San Francisco Chronicle of February 3, 1989)

Shlomo wants to buy a parrot and goes to a pet shop to see what they have.


The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special – it can speak most languages. So Shlomo decides to test this out.


Do you speak English? asks Shlomo.


Yes, replied the parrot.


Hablas Espanol? asks Shlomo.


Si, replied the parrot.


Parlez vouz Francais? asks Shlomo.


Oui, replied the parrot.


Sprechen sie Deutsch? asks Shlomo.


Ja, replied the parrot.


Shlomo pauses for a while, then


asks the parrot, Do you speak Yiddish?


The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, Nu? Vis a nose like dis,


vot you tink?

One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that they are getting poorer by degrees.

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because were leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

Q: Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on the Scottish?

A: Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes, and told them that they were musical instruments.

El cura del pueblo dormía plácidamente en su cama a las cuatro de la mañana cuando le despiertan una serie de golpes en la puerta de su casa. Alarmado, se asoma al balcón y ve como un joven golpea desesperado la puerta.

Hijo mio, ¿qué te ocurre?

¡Confesión, Padre, necesito confesión!

Pero hijo mio, son las cuatro de la mañana, ¿no puedes esperar a que abra la sacristía a las ocho?

¡No, padre, no, he pecado mucho, he cometido todos los pecados, necesito una confesión urgente!

Pero hijo mío, es que estoy rendido, ¿porque no…?

¡Padre, Padre, que he hecho de todo, todos los pecados, que tiene que ser ahora mismo, padre!

(…Y asi media hora dándole la tabarra, dale que te pego, que todos los pecados, total el cura ya harto y somnoliento…)

Pero, vamos a ver, tu de verdad que has cometido todos los pecados?

¡Si, si, todos, todos!

Y así, ¿te habran dado por el culo, no?

¡Padre! No, eso no.

¡Pues anda a que te den por el culo y vuelve a las ocho, mamón!