10
Oct

La familia de Pepito est

La familia de Pepito está invitada a una lujosa cena en una casa de gente aristócrata. Cuando la cena había comenzado alguien sugiere hacer adivinanzas para ganarse el postre.

Uno de los comensales al ver el enorme anillo de una de las invitadas dice:

Redondo y grueso a la mujer le llega hasta el hueso.

Contesta Pepito: ES EL BICHO, ES EL BICHO.

La anfitriona molesta le dice al mayordomo: Jaime los abrigos que los señores se retiran.

El papá de Pepito se disculpó de mil maneras asegurando que no volvería a pasar. La anfitriona acepta de mala gana.

Viendo la yegua de la casa pasar por el jardín un invitado dice:

Larga y briosa a la mujer pone nerviosa.

Vuelve a contestar Pepito: ES EL BICHO, ES EL BICHO.

Jaime, los abrigos de los señores que ya se retiran.

Vueve a disculparse el papá de Pepito. Se acepta la disculpa.

Al ver que el postre eran churros con chocolate otro invitado dice: Largo y arrogante sale blando y chorreante.

Pepito se pone de pie y dice:

JAIME, POR FAVOR MI ABRIGO. ¡QUE ME JODA SI NO ES EL BICHO!

10
Oct

Sleeping on the job

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

3. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

2. I wasnt sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

1. Amen

10
Oct

Quotes About Women

As soon as a woman thinks sufficiently fast, one calls it intuition. –Barbro Alving

We women talk too much, nevertheless we only say half of what we know. –Nancy Astor

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, she will choose to save the infants life without even considering if there are men on base. –Dave Barry

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both. –Samuel Butler

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. –Mrs. Patrick Campbell

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him. –Cher

Women want men, career, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love and cheap stockings that dont run. –Phyllis Diller

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea. –Robert A. Heinlein

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women dont need to know about men. Its the men who have to know about beautiful women. –Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn

A womans mind is cleaner than a mans. She changes it more
often. –Oliver Herford

Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. –Lyndon B. Johnson

You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, but you almost never meet a smart woman with a stupid husband. –Erica Jong

Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. –Lord Kelvin

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. –H.L. Mencken

I know Im not going to understand women. Ill never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
–Jerry Seinfeld

If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman. –Margaret Thatcher

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. –Lana Turner

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. –Rebecca West, 1913

If women ran the world we wouldnt have wars, just
intense negotiations every 28 days. –Robin Williams

A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is. –Unknown

09
Oct

My bank

My Back has two tellers open at a time. except on busy days then it has one.

09
Oct

BUXTON, N.C. A man died

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the
Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You
just wouldnt believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their
hands, using pails from kids, Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

09
Oct

A few lil insults to remember.

Youre momma so fat, she be sellin shade!

Youre momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!

Youre momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!

Youre momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!

Youre momma so poor, her idea of big spendin is buyin a gumball!

09
Oct

Three ladies died and went to the final court of Yama

Three ladies died and went to the final court of Yama (The Hindu mythology god who keeps track of good and bad deeds of everyone). The subordinate listed all the good and bad deeds of the three ladies and finally Yama asks them the final question which will decide their fate.

Yama to 1st lady: So, What do you have to say about yourself?

1st lady: Sir! I had been a true hindu wife faithful to my husband and I kept him happy all through my married life.

Yama to 1st lady: Hmm … I see. Ok! Subordinate show her the way of heaven. And she is taken to the heaven.

Yama to 2nd lady: So, What do you have to say about yourself?

2nd lady: Sir! I had been a true human being and kept all my family members happy all through my life.

Yama to 2nd lady: Hmm … I see. Ok! Subordinate show her the way of heaven. And she is also taken to the heaven.

Yama to 3rd lady: And now Madam, What do you have to say about yourself?

3rd lady: Sir! I had been a true lady and kept all persons, who came in my contact, happy.

Yama to 3rd lady: Hmm … I see. Ok! Subordinate show her the way of My bedroom.

09
Oct

Bronze rat (a classic joke)

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.

He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.

No, says the exhausted tourist, I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

09
Oct

hair color

What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair brown?

08
Oct

Llega Pepito del Campamento con

Llega Pepito del Campamento con dos bolsas de ropa sucia, a lo que su mamá le dice:

¡Pepito, me va a tomar todo un día lavar toda esa ropa!

A lo que Pepito le contestó:

¡Mami, a mi me tomo una semana para ensuciarla!