A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
Jesus! He just jumped again!
The bartender ignores the man.
So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
How did you survive that jump?..I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.
So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when youre drunk.
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up …suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle.
Master, I may grant you one wish. says the genie with a smile.
Hey, Bitch… dont you know who I am … I dont need no woman give me nuttin! barks Rodman.
The genie pleads…But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.
Dennis thinks a moment … then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all… he says Ok, ok … I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning. So just do it! (giving the genie an evil glare) Now leave me alone! he screams.
So the annoyed genie says, So be it! and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:Officer: Whats 2 + 2?Blonde: Ummm… 4!Officer: Whats the square root of 100?Blonde: Ummm… 10!Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.The blonde replies excitedly, Not only did I get the job, Im already working on a murder case!
Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: They cant sing, they cant dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut. The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.
Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . .
A young man (YM) is on a date with a young woman (YW) and they go
parking. After some heavy petting the YM asks the YW for oral
sex. No, says the YW, you wont respect me. So the YM is content
to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the YM again
asks the YW for oral sex. Again the reply, No, you wont respect me.
Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
Honey, please, were married now. You know I love you and respect
you. Can we please have oral sex? No, she says, I just know
that if I do that you wont respect me. So the man waits…
and waits… and waits….
After 20 years of marriage the man says, Honey, weve been together
20 wonderful years now. Weve raised three beautiful kids. You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about
oral sex, just once ???? Please ?????? and the wife finally
gives in to her husbands wish and performs oral sex on him.
After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the
telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says,
Answer that you cocksucker.
A: Lipstick.
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
The guy says, Buddy, Im six feet, 210 pounds, an ma names Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That theres Bubba. Hes 225 pounds of solid muscle and hes a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mikes a trucker who weighs 295 and hes a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?
The fella says, Naw, youre right. . . Id hate to have to explain it three times!
Did You her Bill Cliton tried to kill himself? Yea he try to O.D. on Viagra and beat himself to death!