Old and New Jokes

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?

A: Retardo.

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE Youll need the following: 1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure its the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

A friend of mine claims this happened to a friend of hers:

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I
have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. Ill just
take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.
Voila, one cheap wedding present.

So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put
the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and
said,

Lady, you can only do this so many times!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.Upon leaving, she tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word.Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word.After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable.The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?The brunette explains, My sisters blonde.Shell read it very slow.

One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk notices a sign saying, Lady in the back.

Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it meant. The bartender says, Well, there is a lady in the back that will satisfy all your requests for only $20.00 and the answer to a riddle.

One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be, gives the bartender a twenty and heads for the back.

Laying on the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The drunk says, I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?

The red head says, If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to me?

The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, I dont know. Howd the damn cat get out there?

The red head laughs and says, Go on, you didnt answer the riddle.

The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy. The buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks, Well, how good was it?

Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, I couldnt answer this damn riddle about some fucking cat.

So the second drunk says, Well, this Ive got to try. He calls the bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the back room.

There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out and smiling. She proceeds to say, If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to me?

The second drunk answers, Well, I dont know. Dont you think the damn cat is dead by now?

She laughs and says, Go on, you didnt answer the riddle.

Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars. While complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor with his duffle bag. He walks up to the bartender, throws a twenty down and says, Where is the room?

The bartender stands back and just points the way for the sailor.

The sailor opens the door and says, Okay, lets hear it.

The voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says, If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to me?

The sailor, taking his duffle bag and throwing it on the floor says,

Well, with this bag Ill make a boat,

And with my balls, Ill make it float.

With my dick, Ill make and oar,

And row your pussy back to shore.

The sailor left the bar smiling.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob justwent straight over to Joes place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was
and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that hed started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldnt be
better.Bob thought hed give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And
now, you come home drunk!

What is the best thing about schizophrenia?

Youre never alone!

An archeologist is a scientist whose career lies in ruins.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, new ball?The guy responds, would you believe this the greatest ball ever made? You cant lose it! You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a burst of steam goes off for a whole two minutes!Thats amazing, says his friend, where did you get it?I found it. says the guy.